i let it go

It's that time of year . . . (part 2)

2011-09-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

I love fall. There are so many things I love about it (as listed in my previous post). There also is a downside to it, too, though.

It's also that time of year when . . .

-allergies to some unknown something cause me MAJOR congestion. (I've had this for a month or so now.)

-the temperature changes (fluctuating wildly at times) and we often have a period of rain. This also causes changes in sinus pressure, and usually results in some period of throbbing ear pain and sore throat for me. Thus, I typically get sick for a period in the fall as my body adjusts to the temperature fluctuations and rain.

For as much discomfort (and sometimes illness) that fall causes me, I still love it! It will always be my favorite season.

It's that time of year . . . (part 1)

2011-09-21T18:20:00.000-07:00

I LOVE Fall. It's one of the most gorgeous times of the year. There are so many wonderful things about it.

It's that time of year when . . .

- you can really ENJOY curling up under the covers, snuggled up in your bed. In spring/summer, you don't really need covers, and in winter, you stay under the covers out of necessity. But in the fall, you can just lie there and enjoy it!

-leaves change color, litter the ground, make delightful crunchy and swishy noises as you whisk your feet through them.

-you start to wear sweaters. The weather is milder (maybe) and a good comfy sweater is all you need. (Plus pants of course!)

-the sky is just more gorgeous. The contrast between the clouds and the sky just seem more vivid and delightful. The sunrises and sunsets are also mesmerizing.

From Seeing Red to Green

2011-06-04T16:21:00.000-07:00

I use my Outlook calendar at work to stay organized. If there is a report or request due, I place it on my calendar and label it in red. Once I've submitted the report, I change it to white. In this manner, if I see a lot of red, I know there are reports to be run, compiled, and forwarded up the chain. The first of the month is particularly busy, with between 7-9 reports due (at least) every first workday of the month. This week, I saw an awful lot of red, every single day.

What a nice blessing to come home, see my beautiful yard, and right now I'm sitting on the deck, looking over our lush green lawn, scanning the maple tree (that recently littered her helicopters all over the lawn and deck) and enjoying the sound of the birds.

I saw a lot of red this week at work, and I did my best not to stress over it. I knew it would all get done in time, and it did. I know from experience that I didn't need to fret about it. So I didn't. I just got one report done, and then another. And now I'm home and enjoy seeing green, rather than red.

The Link between Action and Trust

2011-05-26T04:41:00.000-07:00

When it came time to think about choosing my word for the year, the first word that resonated with me was TRUST. There were a lot of unknowns in my life at the time. My spouse's job was in the air, financial worry crept in, and I wanted to TRUST that everything would work out OK.

I ultimately decided on a different word though. My historical experiences/connotations with TRUST were often more anxiety-ridden, feeling that "I need to TRUST that Heavenly Father will take care of me and things will work out." But that sort of mentality about TRUST was not one of genuine TRUST. It was fear masquerading as bravado and trust that an outside source would take care of me. It was not the peaceful, deeply rooted, knowing in my being that things really would work out. (At least that is not how I typically experienced it, though my lip service may have lead others to believe otherwise.)

Instead, I chose the word ACTION, because I wanted to focus on what I can do, and what I can control. Oddly enough, it's taught me a lot about TRUST.

For example, Tuesday I felt the urge to start delving into Kundalini yoga, which is the type that my yoga studio is really big on. I had a strong desire to attend the Tuesday night class, which was early enough after work that I wouldn't have time for dinner, and I worried that by the time it was over I might be ravenous.

But I went! I put aside my fears and TRUSTED my gut and my inner desires. And that TRUST lead to my ACTION. I attended the class and it was great! I felt energized, I felt great, and I slept extremely well that night.

I'm glad I chose the word I did. And I'm glad I'm learning how intricately connected ACTION is to TRUST. As I learn to TRUST myself, my desires, this will lead to ACTIONS that I will be proud of and pleased with.

Hope Springs Spring!

2011-04-17T19:20:00.000-07:00

All winter long I've carried the hope in my heart that the crocus bulbs I planted last fall would bloom this spring. The major effects of winter (huge snow piles) melted away, and I never saw my flowers :( I thought crocuses were supposed to be the first spring flowers that peek up through the snow. Well. We had a random bout of 2 more inches of snow this weekend, and today I saw purple blossoms springing out of the terrain where I planted them! Hooray! Of course, I proudly took photos of them. When I came inside I happened to look at my Vision Board. I squealed as I noticed that I now have the purple crocuses that I had cut out and put on my vision board. p.s. I've also already seen mosquitoes, so Spring really is on its way!

Action

2011-02-10T16:55:00.000-08:00

I picked a word for the year: Action.

If you know me, I'm not the kind of mad, driven, always moving, always working on something kind of person. I actually like to take time to think, rest, reflect, and notice the beauty in nature and around me (AND, get things done).

So why the word Action?

My vision of the word is to help me take the SMALL, day-to-day, simple actions that lead to larger results. I don't have to be driven to accomplish. If I do small daily actions, I will accomplish big things.

Wee, whee, wii, I want to go home!

2010-12-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

(Title from "This little piggy went to market")

We always seem to buy toys much earlier than Christmas. I'm ok with that. Over a month ago we bought a Nintendo Wii (the special Red edition that includes a copy of Mario Bros.) and a Wii Fitness Plus balance board and program. And of coures the extra doohickies that you need to make it all work, and some games.

Boy, is this thing fun. I'm wishing for snow days to stay home and play. The Wii Fitness Plus program is pretty great. It tracks the different exercises you do, how long you spend on it, it can measure your BMI and weight (if you choose to do that daily test). It really does make 'working out' fun.

Also, I am starting to get hooked on Mario Kart. I'm not very good at it, but it IS fun. I even think Santa might have gotten us some Mario Kart Wii Steering Wheels, but I'm not sure. I can't quite see any presents that look that shape. Maybe it's hidden in one of those larger packages . . .

Wrapping nostalgia

2010-12-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

Sunday afternoon I spent some time wrapping presents. As someone with a family background of serious wrapping techniques, it was a bit disconcerting that I only had two different rolls of wrapping paper to choose from, and I was getting low on Scotch tape. But even harder, which I recall from last year, is wrapping presents on a wood floor with static cling problems, compounded by the fact that I haven't swept the hair or dust up in several weeks. Oh well. Happy wrapping!

My family tradition is wrapping presents to completely disguise them. I guess my mom got sick of us kids feeling the presents and guessing that "this feels like a watch with a pencil tucked in to throw me off" and being right about it. This lead to some very special and/or elaborate wrapping sessions. We would plot and ploy how to disguise something so no one would be able to guess what it was. We sometimes had to save boxes (from cereal, crackers, whatever) for months ahead. (Or maybe my memory gets ahead of me. It only seemed that way with all our plotting.) It definitely makes it more fun to watch someone open a present when they have no idea what it is.

I enjoy those memories, and still try to carry on the tradition. Only surprises when opening presents from me! Just don't mind the hair or two that got caught in the tape as I wrapped it on my wood floor. :)

More lessons from October

2010-12-21T18:49:00.000-08:00

I realized that the very same day I let go of a voice mail message, and the associated emotional baggage from 3 years earlier, I also went out and bought a pack of crocus bulbs. I love how crocus flowers look, and that they are among the first to blossom even popping through the traces of melting snow come Springtime. I took time to plant these crocus bulbs, setting an intention for growth, healing, and a wonderful surprise of blossoms in the Spring. I still think of them, now covered in a few feet of snow.

Whether or not these crocus bulbs bloom (though of course I hope they DO!) they are still a touchstone or hopeful thought for me. I can look outside, and know that even now, something wonderful is sitting beneath the surface, waiting to be released. I've always got something good to look forward to!

Lessons from October

2010-12-07T19:35:00.001-08:00

Yes, this post is months later, but I want to share about an extremely valuable lesson I learned in October. I've wanted to write about this, and Molly's blog post of December 5th rings this lesson even more loudly into my heart.

Molly shared in her blog post that her brother died this past July. This was the brother that had somehow threatened her family, and instigated them completely cutting themselves off from the rest of her family.

Boy does this echo familiarly in my heart. In early October, one Saturday after my yoga class, I came home and checked the caller ID on the phone. I saw the number of a friend, and went to listen to see if there was a message.

My friend had not left a message, but I heard the start of a message that had been saved and saved and resaved. I skipped it as soon as I started to hear it, because whenever I started to hear this particular message, my anger and temper would rise. I listened to old messages and cleaned out the list. I thought about my 'skipped' message, and realized we had saved it through two or three moves, and about 3+ years.

Thanks to yoga, I was feeling calm and centered, and I decided to face this message (demon) and confront it, rather than hide and get mad every time I heard it.

The message was from my aunt. It had to be shortly after I announced that I had left the LDS Church, because I remember the call I had with my aunt that day so many years ago. She was telling me what love really is (and she thought how my spouse treated me was not love). I remember feeling SOOO angry that I was shaking and hung up on her, and then yelled "Fuck you [name]!" because I couldn't say it to her over the phone. (If it were now a days, I'd have the confidence to tell her that personally.) I was just so fed up with everyone telling me what my life SHOULD be like.

Well, she called back, and of course I did NOT answer. Her voicemail is the one that I saved. All that I originally recalled is that she threatened my spouse's life. This is why my family does not know where I live. You don't take death threats as a joke. (I'm sure Molly can relate to that.)

As I listened to the voicemail that October morning, from a calm, centered place, I finally heard what she said. She was concerned. I heard her say that she was afraid for me and her family. She accused my spouse of not being normal, and if spousie ever hurt anyone in her family, then, well then she made her threat.

What I saw this as was a very weak, fearful woman, lashing out and trying to act tough and protect herself in the only way she could--by making threats. I finally realized how powerless she must have felt. I thought about this, and I chose to let it go. I finally heard her message, and I chose to let it go.

I stepped outside and went to find a tree to hug. Trees are very grounding (I've used Molly's "Grounding" flower essence, which has lots of tree essences in it). I went and stood next to our walnut tree and wrapped my arms around it. I hugged it and asked for it to help ground me, to help me let go of the negative emotions and to just let go of this bad experience. As I stood there embracing my beloved walnut tree, I realized I had selected the perfect tree for the task! Our walnut tree was the only tree to already have shed all of its leaves. It truly was my teacher and helper in "letting go" of unneeded and unneccesary baggage. It was time.

I felt a huge weight lift from me.

Granted, I still feel estranged from my family, and I feel bad that my aunt, in her well meaning attempt, was the catalyst that pushed us away from each other. Her actions out of fear probably hurt her sister (my mom) more than it did to help her feel any better or stronger.I still have high hopes for healing the rift with my family.

The next morning, after letting go of this traumatic experience, I instinctively or unconsciously began to clear out my office. I believe I had created space in my mental, emotional and spiritual planes, now I began to work on my physical plane.

October was a great month for letting go. Thank goodness for October! It was definitely a celebratory time of letting go!

The Season of Snow is upon us!

2010-11-13T18:57:00.000-08:00

Earlier this week we had day with highs temperatures of 67 and 68 degrees Farenheit. Overnight, we switched to the Season of Snow. Spousie & I both had Veteran's day off, and we collected the last of the leaves and filled only 3 large compostable bags full (as compared to the 12 or so we used to fill each weekend in October). I knew it was going to be the last time to dispose of leaves this season.

I was actually looking forward to the snow. There was nothing on the ground (or falling from the sky) when I went to bed last night, and I woke up delighted to find several inches of snow on the ground. A veritable 'Winter Wonderland'. There was also snow and ice on the trees, too, breaking branches, and toppling some trees entirely (fortunately we only lost branches, not whole trees).

We pulled out the snow thrower and the shovel and I had fun. Yes, it was cold, and no, I don't like it when my toes are cold, but I am happy to have begun the Season of Snow! Welcome!

Good Reading & Flowers

2010-08-06T04:54:00.001-07:00

I am dragging my feet closer to placing a much needed order for flower essences, via
http:www.greenhopeessences.com/index.html

For a fabulous article that proved so insightful to me and for understanding myself on my own journey of healing and making sense of my life–go to that website. On the menu on the left select "Articles" then scroll down and select "On being an Empath" (second from the bottom).

It's a bit long, but on my first read I was completely sucked into it because I finally felt like someone understood me!

Understanding and coming to appreciate my empathic gift I have also learned how to protect myself from unwitting others nearby with messed up emotions that I don't want to absorb or take on. Molly's flower essences have been AMAZING and extremely helpful in this. I'm going to order more Golden Armour, Teasel, and Ladies Bedstraw. (The last one helps me to sleep much better than I do on my own sometimes).

Check out Molly's blog (as I call it) over on the right side of my page. She writes from her own experience and reality, which is a reality that I share far more closely than I do with almost anything I see on TV or in the movies. Her down-to-earth personability and wit keep me checking her blog regularly. As do her phenomenal pictures of the flowers!

Make it a wonderful day, and stop to say hi to the flowers (don't just smell them)!

A Trip to the Zoo

2010-07-30T04:51:00.000-07:00

Spousie & I went on a date to the Zoo last night. We were planning on leaving when we realized we hadn't seen the bear exhibit yet. We were close to it, so we headed to visit the bears before going home.

Two of the three bears were tussling. Not in a ferocious way, but one had the other pinned down, and it seemed reminicent of my brothers squabbling as I grew up.

I would love to see the hip joint of a bear. Any time I watch bears I am fascinated by how wide their back legs can rotate around. They might have a ball and socket joint like a humans, but a much wider range of motion. Think of all the funky yoga poses I could do with flexible hips like that.

Then again, I probably wouldn't be able to walk upright either!

I did the Fish pose today!

2010-07-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

I started attending yoga classes a few months ago. It's something I've been interested in trying for a long time, and finally took the plunge once I found a Yoga studio nearby. I have really enjoyed it.

I usually attend twice a week, one Yin Yoga class, and a Hatha Yoga class. I like them both. This morning I went to the Hatha class, and we worked our way up to Fish pose. I had read about it in Yoga Journal, and was a bit, hmm. Well, I wasn't sure how it would work out for me. (I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it.)

Yet I did it! I had the help of my instructor, as a spotter, and I did it! AND, I am interested in trying it again.

12 year Anniversary & Yay Spain!

2010-07-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

I watched the FIFA World Cup matches today, and was cheering for Spain (and Germany. Of course I'm happy with the outcomes).

I thought about why I was cheering Spain-because I lived in Spain for a year and a half, and love the Spainsh people. Oddly enough, I realized that today is my 12 year anniversary of returning from my Mission in Spain back to the United States.

Man, has a lot happened. Boy, have I changed and grown so much. Wow, is my life so different, and also, so much better.

Tip toe through the Maples

2010-06-29T15:46:00.001-07:00

We've had more rain this year than in the previous year or two (since being in our house) and as a result, we have a new problem:

My lawn is now a rainforest of mini maple trees.

I kid you not. I cannot walk to the back shed without counting at least 15 maple saplings in the grass.

The concept of "Reforestation" takes on new meaning when you have 5-6 maple saplings growing out of a crack of your wooden deck.

Spousie wanted to replant the trees, didn't like it when I would just pull them up. Spousie is now over it. We're going to try to save a few that have grown the most and are the strongest, and hopefully the rest will dry out with the weather.

Just be careful as you "Tip toe, through the Maples!"

Happy Graduation Days!

2010-06-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

On this day, June 4, several years ago I graduated from High School. I spoke at our graduation ceremony. I spoke from my heart, but there is one thing I wanted to say and didn't.

"Don't be an Ethan Frome*. The world is so much bigger than [the city we graduated from]. Go out, explore and see it."

I've been very blessed to have done that. I've visited other countries, been able to travel to all corners of the United States, and really see a lot of variety. And I love it!

I remember the chant we repeated so often our senior year of high school. It simply was the year of our graduation. I remember at the end of Graduation Day feeling a bit scared, uncertain. This year that I had been chanting about, the event that I had been anticipating had come and gone. Now what was I supposed to do?

I wasn't quite certain, but I was filled with expectations: attending college, going on a mission, getting married, starting a family. All of these were big scary intimidating things.

Now, more than a decade later, my life is very different. I don't have a list of expectations for myself. The world is wide open for me to explore, and that is what I'm doing. I'm gardening, taking yoga classes, as well as learning TV filming and production. At some point, I hope to add sewing and more to my mix of learning and exploration.

At this point in time I've got a wide open sea, and my own personal star(s) to sail by. I trust myself much more these days. I know I'll get to where I want to be, and where I want to be and what I want to accomplish will be of my own choosing, not something others expect of me.

Happy sailing! Good luck new Graduates! May you learn to trust yourself.

*Ethan Frome was a book we had to read in English; I hated the ending.

Touching History

2010-05-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Today I attended an event for women veterans. I myself do not belong in this category, but I wanted to learn more about the women veterans in my state. It was so neat to see women of all ages, who had served in probably all the different branches of the military.

I joined a group of ladies and got talking with them. They were all Marines. One was a Marine veteran from World War II. I will admit my ignorance that I had no idea that there were women Marines during that time period. I had heard of WASP's, or Women Air Service Pilots, but I guess I was (and still am) pretty clueless to the role women have played in the military throughout our nation's history. It is something I want to learn more about, and today I got to reach out and touch a bit of that history, by talking with those women. It was fascinating to me.

I won a door prize at the event–a necklace. I felt a bit awkward–I think the person who donated it thought it would go to a veteran. I wondered if I should give it to a woman veteran. I made my peace with the issue and realized I will keep it, because every time I wear it, I will think of our country's women veterans, and their amazing legacy that hopefully will come to light someday.

I don't believe in God, but here's a sentiment I agree with: 'God bless our women veterans!'

The silver mist that follows me

2010-03-30T16:59:00.000-07:00

On one of my last few days at my last job, I took a half day off. I got my hair cut, and then went to the Audi dealership and bought a car.

I needed a NEW 'do and a NEW car to start my NEW job and NEW outlook on life.

And let me confess: I LOVE MY AUDI!

While trying to learn a lot of new things at work and feeling my head spin, every time I get into my car I feel a Zen moment. It's quite. It rides (and glides) so smoothly. I have seat warmers (Heaven!) The seats are comfortable. And another thing I love--

The silver mist that follows me!

The headlights on this baby are so much more powerful than my last car I keep feeling that I've got my high beams on. When I drive at night I always see a silver or grey mist up ahead, and I kept forgetting that, omigosh! It's my lights! I LOVE it! I'm not scared that I will run over any late night pedestrians or dog walkers in my neighborhood anymore.

So, go check it out, and prepare to drool! www.audiusa.com

Upsetting the Apple Cart

2010-03-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

I gave my supervisor notice that I accepted a new position and will start March 15. I gave her almost 3 weeks of lead time. I am in the process of training a replacement. And I am SOOO glad to be getting out!

The company I work for definetely has some plusses, like a fairly laid back company cluture. On the flip side, this is also a serious drawback. Some people spend time surfing the web or reading. As a part-time employee in one of the busiest departments, I usually will just notice this as I walk by. Also, there are some very negative co-workers. I don't work with them directly, but as a highly sensitive person, I still feel the effects of their negativity. I'll mention "office politics" and that says enough. On weeks when I have worked full time, I am very emotionally exhausted at the end of the week. So, I have been covertly (during my non-work hours) seeking a new position, which will start soon.

It seems that once I gave my notice and this became public knowledge in the office, the whole work environment became even more unbearable! I've heard of employees becoming petty, and the toxic nature just seems to bubble more frequently to the surface.

I wondered if it was just in my mind--thinking tha because soon I won't have to tolerate this crazy environment for much longer, that my perception has changed. But I think I've come to see it a new way.

I'm upsetting the apple cart.

There has been really low (as in NO) turnover in this company. I read HR blogs and know that low turnover can say a few things about this company. And I'll say them. It screams "We've got great benefits!" It also says (between the lines) "We're nice and we hate to let people go, even under-performers and people who suck at their job."

I'm all to keenly aware of this after almost two years. I am probably the first person to have chosen to move on from this company. But I know I can do more, make more, contribute more and in more meaningful ways to me (and commute less!) and not have to suffer the energetic drain from this environment any longer.

So perhaps, by taking this unprecedented action, by upsetting the apple cart and moving forward with my life, it's causing the others around me to think and reflect a bit more on their own lives and positions. Maybe they are sick of working here and feel stuck too. Maybe they are beginning to think--'there's more for me out somewehere else." I truly hope so. There are some really awesome employees there, that get treated like trash.

I've got one more week to train, then pass the baton and move on. And let me say, that despite all the chaos and crazy of the last few weeks, I have not burt my bridges. My supervisor told me that if things don't work out at my new place, she would welcome me back with open arms. She also expressed her appreciation of me training my replacement.

Those are great words to hear. I truly HAVE appreciated working there and learned a lot of things. But it's time for me to move on and learn new things.

HAPPY MARCH DAY!

2010-03-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Well, here's wishing you a Happy March Day! I sent Happy March Day cards to family members across the country (I hope they arrived today) and gave them to friends and coworkers.

A friend and I are reading Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach this year. A big focus is on finding/uncovering/discovering or getting reaquainted with your authentic self.

Nothing could actualize this better than a celebration of Happy March Day and cards sent all around.

Happy March Day began probably more than 15 years ago when in high school, I forgot to send my valentine cards to my friends. Well, rather than wait a whole year to use the cards, I created a fun and zany way to use my cards up anyway–Happy March Day!

To make a Happy March Day card, you can use pre-existing valentines cards, or make a heart shaped card. The fun and zany-ness comes from how you morph or convert these cards. Any time it says "Happy Valentines Day" you scratch out "Valentine's"' and write in "Happy March Day" (Yes, to the point that it will say "Happy 'Happy March Day'".) If it says "Be my Valentine", in this context you scratch out the word "Valentine" and scribble in "Happy March Day Pal".

Happy March Day is easy to celebrate–it's goofy and fun, and about friendship. Valentine's day has too much stress about romance and all that jazz. Happy March Day is about platonic relationships, celebrating friends and family that you can be your (goofy) self with.

So, Will you be my Happy March Day Pal?

Happy Belated Ground Hog Day!

2010-02-03T18:59:00.000-08:00

So the groundhog saw his shadow and we've got 6 more weeks of winter. Well no duh! It's early February and Spring doesn't start until mid-March. Of course there is 6 more weeks of winter.

I know the "story" may have more to do with folklore and myth about an end to cold weather. Now a shortened time period of that would be greatly appreciated! But even if not (c'mon, we've had snowstorms in May out here) I'm ok.

Email clutter-bleah!

2010-01-12T07:19:00.001-08:00

Well, I got bit by the bug this weekend-yep, that decluttering bug. I kindof enjoy when that bug bites. I started clearing out the bottom of my closet (which was needed) and then while I was checking my email I started deleting massive amounts of old emails (also sorely needed).

I didn't notice how many emails I had originally, but after deleting about 2 full screens of emails I noticed I had a total of some 800+ emails. I kept selecting, and deleting many many emails. Some I wanted to keep and sorted them into the appropriate folders.

I now have about 250 emails. I think that is doable and worthy of a "YAY for me!" because I let go of about 66% of my emails. After exiting I realized a whole other batch of emails (a weekly e-zine I subscribe to) can also probably go, but I'm not going to worry about that just yet.

My criteria in deleting: -
-If I sent it to myself (like I forwarded some good info from work) and haven't opened it yet, it's gone.
-I am on a list serve that sends out sometimes 10+ emails a day. I deleted all the old ones. I'm usually pretty good about clearing them out as the come in, but the volume is so great that I can't keep up. I know that the day for me to unsubscribe to that list serv is coming rapidly closer and closer. But all of the old ones are GONE. I read what I wanted to, deleted all else.
-I also get mailings about twice a month for a committee that I volunteered with about a year and a half ago. I could have become more active in that organization, but decided (long ago) that it was not really my passion. Plus, I got a job, so I haven't attended a meeting since. I still get the emails. I deleted all of those, and I probably should unsubscribe to that one too (but sometimes they do put out useful locally appropriate information; and they don't come so often.) But the day will come when I will unsubscribe to that one too.

So be mindful in your emails. Don't subscribe willy-nilly to all sorts of things. You might feel important because you get all these emails. But then you get a cluttered inbox-which can cause stress because for some insane reason you may feel obligated to read every last email. Don't ever think that, especially with your own personal inbox. Only subscribe to the things that will delight you and engage your mind, things that will inspire you. Why bother subscribing to news and doom and gloom info. That's out there for me to deal with enough, I'm not going to invite it into my inbox (nor my house!)

Meeting MN organizers-and my favorite organizing tool!

2010-01-06T13:23:00.000-08:00

I want to become a professional organizer. Well, not really, that sounds so rigid, sterile and Non-Fun to me. I want to be a decluttering consultant--I want to help people declutter their homes. I have experience doing this and have a BLAST when I do it. The thing is, the National Association of Professional Organizers (NAPO) is an industry and association that is recognized, recognizeable and reputable. So this may be the angle I take to get where I want to be.

I went to my first Minnesota NAPO chapter meeting this Monday. It's National Get Organized month, if you didn't know. This meeting was, hmmm. Interesting. That's a good non-committal "Minnesota nice" type of description. It was good in some ways and sort of a let down in others. Definitely more good than bad.

I do have to report--at this meeting, due to it being National Get Organized month, different organizers were showcasing some of their favorite organizing tools (boxes, bins, racks, etc.) I already know what I would promo if I were to do a demo next year.

My favorite organizing tool comes in all sorts of colors, shapes, sizes and materials. It is sometimes called a "circular file". Yep--the good ol' garbage can is my favorite organizer. Why? Because I need to 'Let Go' of a lot of stuff before I can even think about organizing it. I think a lot of people can stand to let go of a portion of their things prior to organizing. (You can also add recycle bins and paper shredders to my top 3 pick of organizing tools.)

Before I was married, once I cleared the crap out of my apartment and just sat with the space, (the lovely, free, energizing gloriously empty space) ideas came to me of how I could organize what remained.

So forgive me. I know that's a cool box, gadget and doodad, but I will still work on letting go of what needs to be gone before I start organizing it. Here's to a Decluttered 2010!

Letting go Lessons from the Monster Dash Race

2010-01-06T13:03:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this post is only 2 months past due. I ran my 5K race on Halloween, and we've now had several other holidays pass between now and then. But I want to list some of the important lessons in "Letting go" that I learned from my 5K experience.

The was a 5K and a 5K-9 race (The 5K-9 being a play on canine, meaning people ran with their dogs). The 5K-9 race started 10 minutes after the regular 5K -to try to space out the runners I guess.

Well, I was only a few minutes into the 'race' before I had to deal with issues of letting go. The original bulk of the runners had spread out and already passed me by. Soon I was surrounded again (only temporarily) by a new pack of people AND their dogs. I reminded myself "I let it go" and let go of my ego. I had to allow myself to be ok with being passed by people running with their dogs who started 10 minutes after I did. That was a testament to how slow I am. But I let it go.

I tried to enjoy seeing the dogs all dressed up in hilarious costumes, often matching their owners. I thought that perhaps people who have dogs run more often, or are more used to running and it makes sense that they run faster than me. Either way, I was going to finish the race, at my own pace.

Throughout the entire race I had to keep reminding myself "What matters is that I am DOING it" as I kept getting passed by hundreds and hundreds of people-literally. Maybe even thousands. This can be a serious blow to the ego if you don't let it go. I don't think I passed many people. I kept my mind focused that speed wasn't necessary, the accomplishment came from actually doing it.

When I did finally make it to the finish line--there was no one there cheering for me. Everyone at the finish line seemed to be looking for their particular friend/spouse/whatever. Throughout the race there were people along the sidelines, cheering us runners on. My lesson was to take any cheering and feel as if it were for me. While I knew that none of them were there for me personally, I used the anonymous cheer-us-on'ers and mentally thought of them as cheering for me. I took any form of encouragement and acted as if it were specifically for me. Crossing the finish line was not super climatic, because there was no one searching for me there. But as I crossed it, I felt my accomplishment--I did it! I quickly moved away from the throng still searching for loved ones who would finish behind me (yay! I wasn't last!) and I bumped into my running teacher. She had a sticker for me!

She had little stickers for us each week during our 6 week running class. There were times during the class that the thought of sticker at the end kept me motivated:) and my own personal "I'm DOING it, that's what matters" mentality.

The sticker at the end of my 5K was an awesome little reminder of the BIG accomplishment--that I DID it. And I didn't let the ego get in my way. Yay me!

Grattitude--short list

2009-11-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful . . .

-that I left a closed system community (church) in order to reach for my dreams

-that I bit the bullet and attended Christine Kane's "Unstoppable Power of Intention" retreat

-that I have a lovely house

-that I have a comfy bed to sleep in each night

-for new and intentional friends

-that I'm starting to believe in myself

-that I have a new and newly installed dishwasher!

-that I feel financially secure

-for my spouse

-to see the beautiful sunset on the drive home from a family Thanksgiving get-together

the Monster Dash

2009-10-31T19:04:00.001-07:00

I ran my first 5K race (the Monster Dash) today. Well, I ran and walked some. It was pretty chilly to start with, and there was also some fairly strong wind. Despite it all, I still was very pleased with my time.

I met my goals and intentions of (1) have fun, (2) finish under an hour (3) don't finish last (4) pay attention to the beautiful surroundings.

Number 4 was wonderful. We actually had sun with clouds, but it was the perfect dazzling mix. I kept peeking out at the sky over the lake that we ran around. It was so beautiful. It was fun to see lots of people dressed up in costumes, as well as people and their dogs dressed in costumes.

I'm not quite sure running a 5K was on my bucket list, but still I can say "5K run," CHECK! I guess I've finally made my debut into the world of running. We'll see how the rest of Fall and Winter goes, and how serious I become about it.

Happy Halloween!

5K here I come!

2009-10-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

So I've been running with my community ed class and on my own for the past 5 weeks--and I finally took the plunge. I signed up to run my very first 5K race.

On Halloween is a Monster Dash with full marathon, half marathon, 10 mile, 5K, and 5K-9 (run with your dog) races. I will be debuting my 'running' skills in the 5K, along with several other women from my running class.

I have been practicing and running 3 miles or more for the past week, and I am happy with my time. I'm not fast by any means, but I am constantly moving, and most importantly:

I AM DOING IT!

Not everyone has the guts and stick-to-it perseverance to do this. I'm excited. Wish me luck!

I did it again!

2009-10-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's Tuesday. This means I go running in the morning. Fortunately it was not raining when I went out for my run today (though it started raining later this afternoon).

What I did again was go traipsing around my neighborhood, exploring new roads and getting mildly turned around. This was all fine and dandy. Good news in fact. It happened because I completed my planned running route faster than I anticipated! I needed to keep running for longer time, so I kept exploring a new part of my neighborhood.

Today I set the intention before leaving the house "I intend to have fun while running." I had to keep reminding myself a few times, AND I succeeded! I enjoyed myself and think I even developed a rythm. I was outside enjoying the fall weather, the pretty flowers and trees that are changing, as well as the last chance at sunlight we will see in 3 or 4 days (due to rain). It was great! I amazed myself. I just need to remember "it doesn't matter!"

Snow!

2009-10-10T20:23:00.000-07:00

There was snow on the ground this morning. Yep, already.

It looks like Fall hit us last week with all the rain, and we might already be on our way to winter.

Cheers!

And it doesn't matter!

2009-10-06T11:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm in a 6 week "Women's Intro to Running" community education class. I really needed to run this moring, and it was pouring rain. The rain got me a bit worked up, but I remembered what my instructor taught us last week--

"But it doesn't matter!"

If you feel tired and don't want to run, just say to yourself "but it doesn't matter!" If it's cold outside, "but it doesn't matter!" If you go running with you child and you know he or she will run way faster than you "It doesn't matter!"

I had to use it this morning. And I was victorious! It was raining, and I still went out. I ran/walked 2 miles--hooray for me!

Puzzle finished

2009-10-06T11:11:00.000-07:00

I finished my puzzle last Saturday. Granted, there were about 2 weeks where I didn't even touch it. Choir started up again, my writing class started, and I'm also in a short, 6 week running class. My free time has been busy.

But I enjoyed finishing that puzzle. While I already bought another one (it was only $3.50) I think I may put this one together again. It is fun the second time around as well, because I can do it even faster.

Starting a puzzle!

2009-09-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

I started working on a new 1000 piece puzzle on the 7th (two days ago). I've already made quite a bit of progress, though I'm missing one border piece. I'm just posting about when I started this puzzle, because a while back I finished a different 1000 piece puzzle. That puzzle probably took a month or more to finish it, and it wasn't even fun! I wish I had made note of when I started, so I would know how long it took me.

The last puzzle I completed did not have a full picture of the puzzle on the front cover--only the back and of course it was shrunk down some too, to make room for the other writing they had on the back. The picture on the back was not clear, and there were sections that were just black/grey.

It was my first puzzle with 1000 pieces, and I almost didn't know where to start. Of course you always start with the frame, and I was able to work on sections, but putting the pieces together that were just black smear on the picture, yet were varying shades of grey and purples on the pieces--that was just a bit maddening. I eventually had to put it together piece by piece by matching the SHAPE of the puzzle pieces. I got it done, and it felt a bit triumphant, but only because it was so blasted hard!

After that experience I decided I will only get puzzles with clear pictures of what it's supposed to look like, AND have a bit more 'brighter' colors. The one I'm working on now has some gorgeous sunlight flooding over mountains, and patches of flowers near and far. I'm making progress, AND I'm having FUN, too!

I did it again!

2009-07-30T10:21:00.000-07:00

I have been going for walks the past few weeks on my days off of work. I have been exploring my still relatively new-to-me neighborhood. Last week I went for a walk to learn where the 'nearby' park and lake were located. My 20 minute walk turned into about 40+ minutes as I came out of the path somewhere and had to walk around a bit until I figured out where I was.

And, I did it again today!

Today I walked for close to an hour, which is ok and what I ultimately had wanted to do. It was also alright in the fact that I brought a small bottle of water with me today. I knew the general direction of my house, but there a lots of small short and windy roads that I don't yet know how they fully connect to one another. (Lots of roads ending in Ct, Trl, Dr, Ln, stuff like that which indicates a mess of spaghetti for roads.)

Stereotypes...really?

2009-07-28T18:41:00.000-07:00

I got talking with another woman at my gym today. It was nice to share our experiences of how we each came to realize that we don't need to be self-conscious while we're there. It took me a few times at the gym before it dawned on me--'No one cares what I am doing. They each have their own goals, and I've got mine. There is no need to compare myself to anyone.' It was very freeing to realize this.

This woman shared a similar view, and stated she was attracted to this particular gym because it doesn't have an 'intimidating' environment. I agreed!

I find this funny because yesterday I was sharing with a co-worker about my workout on Saturday, which was my last appointment with a personal trainer. This co-worked commented he never really got into weight lifting because it seemed like a thing 'jocks' do. (I understood him completely. This type of thinking would lead to an intimidating environment.)

After my conversation with the woman at the gym, and reflecting on my co-workers comment, I realized that stereotypes are just that, stereotypical, and they will never change unless you challenge them.

Perhaps in high school you may have thought only 'jocks' worked out on weight machines. Now that I am 10+ years beyond high school, I realize I have a lot in common with the people at my gym who use the weight-lifting machines. We all want to be healthy and feel in good shape. Some may really be into building muscle. I see guys like that. I don't focus on them. I see a lot more men and women who are committed to their health and perhaps are looking to lose some weight. That is why I go-I want to feel healthy and get my body in shape. It just feels good.

So, don't be afraid. Take a bold step and challenge your stereotypes. Especially if they were formed years ago. Life changes a lot!

Things I saw on the drive to work yesterday...

2009-07-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

-A gorgeous huge rainbow! When I stopped at the light to get a better look at it, it was already gone.

-A man who was texting on a cell phone in the middle of bumper-to-bumper stop and go traffic. This is my assumption, because he kept looking up and then back down, I presume texting or fiddling somehow with his phone or some device in his lap. I live in a state where is it illegal to text while driving.

-A woman applying mascara while driving her car. This was in the 50+mph part of the highway.

-A gorgeous silver Audi A4.

At least the start and finish of my commute were beautiful and inspiring!

Letting go of more

2009-07-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

So, after attending The Unstoppable Power of Intention retreat, (and being reduced to working 3 days a week) I've gone on a decluttering spree again. It feels great!

I've cleared out 2 closets and turned them into storage spaces for items only to do with the specific intent of that room. (i.e. craft stuff is now in my crafting room closet, officey things are now in my office closet.)

I've also been working on decluttering the storage room in our basement. It is a disaster and it smells stank (like clutter) too! I got rid of several things. Old blankets and valences I would never use, my wedding dress, books, old dishes and more.

When I cleared out my crafting things, I realized I could part with all my construction paper--I donated it to the nearby elementary school. I called to see if they could use it, (along with a few other supplies) and the lady welcomed the donation!

I took books over to Half Price Books to see if I could get any money for them, and dropped a collection off at "iSoldit" an ebay selling facility. (It saves me the time and trouble of submitting it on ebay).

I've gotten rid of more than 50 lbs. of stuff, a little money for some books, a great feeling for donating to the school, and lots more SPACE and mental clarity for getting rid of things I no longer love or need! Yay!

Brushing your teeth with intention

2009-07-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

Today's post is about something very personal--the dentist.

A few weeks ago I noticed I was having some temperature sensitivites on a few of my teeth. I knew I needed to see a dentist. I knew that even before my teeth were acting up. It took that fear factor to motivate me to actually go visit one. It has probably been a few years since I last visited a dentist. I have moved, and had to find a 'new' one.

I called to schedule an appointment, and the were able to get me in the very next day--ideal! Less time for my anxiety to build.

I went for a routine cleaning and brought a small beany baby stuffed animal along. I know my anxiety at the dentist's office, and have found it helpful to have a small furry/beany/fluffy object/toy for my hands to focus on. I set an intention before I headed in the office as well. I intended to be relaxed and keep returning to my body.

I did well. I kept focusing on the beans in my beanie baby toy, and I kept noticing by body tensed up, so I would consciously relax. (How many times? I didn't keep count). All went well until the dentist found a tiny cavity! My heart sank.

I got to watch an instructional video on how to brush your teeth. It was nice. Of course I knew many of the points it mentioned, but it was still nice to get a refresher. It also pointed out one or two things that I wasn't aware of, one of which probably was directly related to my tiny cavity.

I now brush my teeth with intention. I pay attention to how and where I brush, trying to make sure I cover all areas. And you know what? I don't do this out of fear of getting more cavities. I do it because I realized, brushing my teeth leaves me with a feeling of luxury. Not on a grandious scale, but it feels luxurious nevertheless.

I even floss occasionally now. The lady cleaning my teeth said that soft plaque starts calcifying or hardening in about 48 hours. Thus, if I could floss every other day, that would be great. So that's about what I do. (Trust me, I'm not going to over do it on the flossing!)

Last night I was trying to hurry and get to bed. I decided to floss anyway. Not perfectly. But still sortof floss. It really doesn't have to take that much time. An imperfect attempt at flossing is better than doing nothing at all! And it left me with a feeling of luxury.

I'm a 9!

2009-07-16T15:54:00.000-07:00

No, not on a scale of one to ten. Of the Enneagram personality types, I am a 9. I have historically been operating from the unhealthy realm of 9 so much that I scored myself higher on 6 than I did on 9! (When 9's are unhealthy and/or stressed they act like 6's.)

The Enneagram is a personality type profile that does MUCH more than tell you 'you're like this and that's it'. It is very flexible yet very thorough. I am amazed at what I am learning, and realizing "ok, that makes sense. Allright, that explains a LOT" (about how I have been living my life up to this point).

It explains the identity crisis I went through when I got married, the identity crisis I had when I left the LDS church, the identity crisis that I am no longer in. I'm not in crisis. I am on a quest to uncover the deeper true me that as a 9, often was buried for the sake of peace and not rocking the boat.

Not only does the Enneagram talk about your personality traits, but it also talks about ways to uncover and move beyond your ego talking and grow to a more powerful and spiritual you. I highly reccommend that you check out this book about it:

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types, by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

I learned about this at Christine Kane's retreat. I'm still learning from it, so the retreat must have been a success! I'm still in touch with several of the women from the retreat, and enjoying their encouragement as well as sharing it.

Most recent homeowner toys

2009-05-24T20:30:00.000-07:00

Most recent new homeowner acquistions: (1) a fire pit, and (2) a saw blade attachement for our weed whacker.

Put into use: Today

Mulch melodrama

2009-05-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I felt like a cowboy, due to the smell factor. We have over a half acre of land, which produces at times, a lot of grass clippings when we mow the lawn. So far, we have dumped the extra clippings (or leaves from last fall) into our wooded area in the back yard.

Recently we've been looking into composting, and/or some other way to use/get rid of the grass clippings. Rather than composting, we decided to put those clippings and leaves back on the lawn and turn them into mulch (very fine particles of natural organic matter). We bought a mulching blade for our lawn mower and shoveled all the previously cut grass out of the woods, and strewed it over the lawn, and then ran over it with the mulching blade and let it fall back to the ground (to provide nutrients to the lawn).

Well, it has been a while since we last dumped the grass clippings, and between that and the dead leaves--it was a compost heap without the borders. It was hot, humid, buggy, and it STANK!

We dumped the leaves & grass on the lawn and I was spreading it out. It reminded me of the smell of manure, and I felt a bit like a farm hand-shoveling (crap) around to fertilize the crops or something. But I still felt a bit proud. I hope this helps the lawn out a lot! (and the smell has gone away now that we turned it all into itty bits of mulch and dried out.)

Fun with dandelions

2009-05-10T06:52:00.001-07:00

Ok, so as still new home owners, Spousie and I are trying to take care of our large lawn which had been neglected for at least a year. Dandelions are one of the things we are trying to purge from the lawn area. Besides spraying with dandelion weed killer, Spousie has delevoped a keen knack for "popping out" the dandelions.

Spousie uses the dandelion weed tool that is approximately a foot long and looks like a screw driver, except there are 2 nubby prongs instead of the screwdriver head. Spousie can use this tool and poke it into the ground and with a quick flip of the wrist--the dandelion root is snapped and up comes the plant sometimes with a spray of dirt.

I think this is hilarious! Spousie tried to teach me how to do this, but I lack the wrist coordination to snap it up fast enough. I love watching Spousie do this! I laugh so hard. Finally I got a clue and started trying to catch the weeds as they flew up and sometimes across the yard. Sometimes Spousie can get some real height on those things.

So if you happen to have a large crop of dandelions-I suggest this game. See who can master the art of popping them out of the ground, and let the others see who can catch the most!

(It's times like this that make me wish I had a digital camera to take a video!)

Lessons from bird poop

2009-05-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

A while back I left my car outside overnight (i.e. not parked in the garage as usual). When I hopped in my car to drive to work the next morning, I noticed a blob of bird poop had splattered on my driver side window. Fortunately it didn't block my view of the rear view mirror, or I might have needed to take care of it immediately. But it posed no immediate hazard.

So I left it there for a while. I let it serve as a reminder of a simple lesson for me: If it's crap-let it go!

Anniversary? well, happy some holiday!

2009-03-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

Wow! I guess I started this blog a year ago today. That only dawned on me because I realized it is "Happy March Day!" day. And I remember that that was my first post. So...

Happy Anniversary! and also, Happy March Day to you!

I realize I haven't done a lot with this blog, but I'm ok with that. I've had a chance to write a few things, and begin exploring others. I will usually start a post, but then realize I want to go on and on about the topic, and that's not quite the design of a blog. I guess if I discipline myself to write more often, blogging may serve to improve my writing. (I'll have to be brief and to the point. I also do a lot of revision before posting to try to make sure my point is clear and easily understood.) Maybe I'll post more this next year. We'll see!

Choir chuckles

2009-02-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, so during choir we sang our Jesus-y churchy songs in preparation for a performance at a church this Sunday. I think I will brave it. As we were practicing one song, a gal made a comment I couldn't understand at first. Someone else asked her to repeat herself, and she said (something like this) "I've never heard a worship song so 'hymned down' before. I'm expecting the guitar and drums etc."

Well, I'm glad I wasn't the only one laughing after hearing that. But I was probably laughing for a different reason. Everyone's point of view is so different. I thought her comment was funny because in my former religion, I would have thought of this song as to 'jazzy' to be performed in a church service.

Yeah, not lots of fun with guitars and drums in the Mormon Sunday services. Not even brass instruments (my fav)! Things have got to be pretty sedate for Sacrament service. No exhuberant joy because of grace and mercy. Grace and mercy don't exist in Mormon theology. Well, ok, they do. "After all that you can do" which is never enough, so mercy and grace don't kick in. hmmmm.

Moral decision about Choir performance

2009-02-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

Ok. So I wasn't able to attend a choir event this pask week that was held during the day. This means I evaded/avoided having to sing the Jesus-y songs. But I think we are slated to sing at a chapel next week. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get out of this one.

Here's the deal: Do I go ahead and sing the stuff, even though I don't believe it? Seems a bit 'no harm no foul', right? But maybe my Mormon training is kicking in.

As a teen, I was pretty pious and I didn't even like to dance at church dances to songs that had 'questionable' lyrics (i.e. lyrics that implied immorality, etc. Not that there were supposed to be songs playing like that). As an adult I sang in a larger Mormon choir. We would occasionally change a few lyrics of songs to make them fit with Mormon theology. (one example: "All Creatures of Our God and King")

So, do I just go along and sing with the whole choir and enjoy the mixed agony I will feel as we sing all the floofy feel good stuff? OR do I skip it because I do not want to perpetuate a belief in the "I'm so glad you [Jesus] came to save us" bit. Another lyric we sing is something about he came "my debt to pay." And the musical emphasis is on my debt to pay.

Please understand me. I am a debtor only to my credit union for the mortgage on my house, the United States Federal Government for repaying my student loans, and to the credit card company IF I happen to purchase something this month, which I pay off in full every month (so I'm not really in debt to the credit card company). Jesus can't pay any of these debts for me. Wouldn't that be sweet if he could. But please, reality check! Not gonna happen!

So do I sing along, or not? Why does this have to become a moral issue? Oh, I know! Mormon training! Everything is a moral battle between good and evil. ;)

But I know that more deeply, it will affect me on an emotional level. Part of me thinks I need to move forward and confront those feelings, rather than just avoiding them. Growth occurs through moving forward through things, right? Hmmm. I'll see how I feel singing that stuff tomorrow night.

Minor perks in a down economy

2009-02-06T17:42:00.000-08:00

Yes, it is very disheartening to hear about thousands and thousands and hundreds of thousands of layoffs occuring. But I realized one tiny perk, too.

My commute has been taking less time. I have enjoyed this slightly shortened drive time for the past week or two and thought "What is going on? Why are there so few people on the road?"

Then it dawned on me. People are losing their jobs, and/or are altering their work schedules. This truly may not be the reason, and it's a very tiny personal perk when so many around me seem troubled, but I'm counting my blessings, regardless of the real reason! Shorter commute=happier me!

Weird Choir Experience

2009-02-03T18:42:00.000-08:00

So I joined a local women's choir. It has been really fun to sing with a group again, and start getting to know a few people. The only downside is that we are singing 50's music which is all heartthrob and "I can't live without my guy!" type music. As I thought about it a bit more, I realize that almost everyone touches on the love theme in music (though maybe not always from such a co-dependent or lop-sided perspective. Thank goodness society has made a little progress!)

Well, the other night we sang some 'churchy' songs. Ok, songs of a religious-themed nature. One was called "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High". Of course, growing up Mormon, I had never heard this before (or any of them for that matter.)

I freely admit it was weird singing songs about Jesus and saying "Lord, I lift your name on high" when I don't believe in that (the "Lord") anymore. I wonder if the 'weirdy' feeling was more from my Mormon background. I would have felt weird being Mormon and singing that song. Now it's even more weird.

But I'll also admit to feeling emotion. I felt the good vibe-what I might have termed earlier in my life as 'the Holy Ghost'-or goosebumps a few times. (But I had goosebumps when we were singing "Fiddler on the Roof" too.) I think any good music can do that. I also felt some pangs and even had a tear in my eyes as I sang "I'm so glad You're in my life". I'm not quite sure what the emotion was. Not really regret, but perhaps sorrow for missing having an imaginary friend that's all-powerful, all-knowing, and loves me.

So it was a somewhat awkward, weird experience singing a Jesus-y song in a church basement when I consider myself an atheist and ex-Mormon. Oh well. Life can be weirder. I'll report about that when it happens!

Why is faith good?

2009-01-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

Spousie & I watched the movie "Religulous" this past weekend. It was great. I had to pause it at one point I was laughing so hard; then I had to rewind it to catch what I had missed. It's filmed documentary style, portraying comedian/talk-show host/social & political commentator/author Bill Maher. He was exploring religious extremism.

He said some really good things. I had to watch parts of it again to get them verbatim.

The following struck me really profoundly:

"But why is faith good? Why is believing in something without evidence good?" -Bill Maher, in Religulous

As a Mormon, this question would never have crossed my mind. And I never would have had an answer either. Which means it's a really good question. It challenges your assumptions about life. Why is faith good? It seems like such a widely held belief that it is just assumed that faith is good.

This causes me to think and begin to question, what other things or thoughts are so common that we don't question them? For example, I think of Caroline Myss asking "Why is sacrifice good?" in her CD "Your Power to Create". That was very eye opening for me. I'll have to comment on that in another post.

But, faith, why is it good? I don't think there is a real reason except for generational and historical experience saying that it is so. I think there is a difference between (a) having faith (usually implying faith in God) and (b) trusting in yourself. The first, faith in God or a god is trusting something external to yourself, whether it's the Holy Spirit, revelation, or the people/pastors/religious leaders of your church. Trusting in yourself is very different. As a Mormon, I didn't trust myself. And I was taught not to trust myself. I was taught to trust my priesthood leaders. (oh the signs of a cult!)

And I'm sure you've heard that lovely catchy cliche, "It's better to have blind faith that to be blind." I heard it on my mission. Nowadays I would challenge anyone who said that-because youu're still blind after all!

December Confessions

2009-01-25T19:37:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here's why I didn't write much in November and December. True, I was trying to crank out a draft manuscript for my writing class. I also had discovered www.hulu.com a website from which you can watch a lot of movies or tv shows online.

My spouse introduced me to "Firefly" and I was hooked. Yes, I can say I'm a fan of Sci-fi, and this was probably the best I have seen EVER. There are only 14 episodes, but the gang got reunited and created a movie "Serenity" (the name of the ship).

Obviously, we were good enough this year that Santa got us a copy of the movie. (Spousie had already bought the series, better quality for our 12 foot screen rather than on a 22 inch computer screen). I watched the movie at least 3 times (probably all that long weekend) and more. I am telling you, this is good.

Sci-fi without all the high-falutiness. They are cowboys on a spaceship. Go check it out. The characters, concept, it's all great. The best I have ever seen. That's why I keep watching it over and over. Trying to glean more, and understand why it's so dang good.

Letting go of more physical clutter

2009-01-25T19:30:00.000-08:00

Back to some "I let it go!" stories about physical clutter. I was thinking about this package of wooden skewers that I bought, hoping to make shish-kabobs. How long have I had them? through 2 moves! Out they went!

I've gotten rid of 20-50 lbs of old papers and old catalogs at work. I almost have my cubicle cltter-free! Almost! Paper comes in faster than I can get it out. But I am working on it. Having a messy desk, like I currently do, drives me crazy. I am asked to keep a lot of things, but I sure chuck stuff when I can!

I now have a desk organizer-type object for my desk. I currently am needing to print off a lot of things, and hold on to them for a day or two. In an effort to stay organized and prevent stacks of paper on my desk I ordered this object that holds papers/files vertically. While it is big and a bit clunky, I still love the fact that I'll be able to keep my papers vertical rather than horizontal! I also grabbed the clothes out of my closet that I need to drop off at Goodwill or Saver's when I get a chance.

Happy letting go and getting rid of stuff!

Commuter Kindness - Share the Love

2009-01-24T08:54:00.000-08:00

As I've been driving to work this week, I've really been trying to focus on being KIND. I noticed I was getting too serious about my commute (i.e. stressed while driving). I don't want to be the type of driver that rides the bumper of the car in front of me, for the mere fact that I couldn't stand to have anyone pull in front of me.

So this week I've focused on being a kind driver. I've noticed other drivers being kind, and I want to continue and grow that feeling. I've been a little more gracious about letting others pull in front of me when they signal they need to change lanes, and I even got a wave of thanks in return once. It made my day.

I've had a very trying week at work. I realized how fortunate I have been that there hasn't been snow to add an hour or more to my commute (which is already 20 minutes longer that I care to drive). With that thought, I really tried to focus on being kind during my commute and driving around town. There's already too much stress and tension in the world. I don't need to add to my own levels, or contribute to it in the world. I'm trying to share kindness instead.

The Danger of Absolutist Thinking

2009-01-15T17:51:00.000-08:00

Ok. Last post I talked about absolutist thinking. In the following days I found 2 examples (unfortunately, both were religion/God-based) that set me off and have me writing trying to explain why Absolutist thinking can be a bad and potentially (very) dangerous thing.

First example: I was getting the oil changed in my car. In the waiting room I heard an ad on the tv that said something like, "The only real way to effect change in your life is to accept God's will for you. Contact Pastor Blah Blah Blah to learn how." Oh really! The only way to make change in my life. Well, that's nice for Pastor Blah Blah Blah. He can make money because through him, I can access God, and that's the only way to create change in my life.
Huh. Turning away from trying to live out God's will for me has actually been the largest change factor in my life.

Second example (later that same morning): I read an article in my local paper where they were talking up this new program called "Every Man's Battle for Purity". I guess I was put off more by the picture they used and how they wrote about the issue.

The picture is of a military camoflauge colored T-shirt (with a dog tag, to entice you to join their boot camp). On it, under the words "Every Man's Battle for Purity" is the phrase "Live Pure or Die".

Ok. I about puked when I read that. Not really, but I seriously swallowed hard and maybe almost choked. Maybe it's a gut reaction from growing up having thoughts like that repeated so often that I accepted them as truth. But, HELL!!! Live pure, or DIE??? Who defines "pure"? It sounds like one of those words with an absolutist ring to it: Pure--either you are or you aren't. If you aren't--well, I guess you might as well kill yourself. This is Shit! Sorry to be so blunt--but I've heard such things growing up Mormon. 'It's better to die than to lose your virtue.' I'm waking up and realizing that we live in a very TOXIC society that keeps sending out very mixed messages that are absolutist in tone, and are very unforgiving and brutle.

I'm not saying there can't be a time, place, target audience and purpose for this. I am not in favor of pornography, and I know there are millions of guys addicted to it. I guess part of why I was upset reading the article was that it didn't mention numbers, or the cost socially, financially, etc. that "impurity" causes our society. It was written based on a lot of assumptions that I guess the author assumed were widespread.

I also don't like the fact that it's a military theme. They need to use the term "battle" because then it sounds important, like there is a victory to be achieved. Purity (as I understood the article), meant sexual purity. I don't think sexual purity is an "achievement" or victory. It is something you deal with and face your whole life. And I also don't like the fact that "all men" (Every man's battle) need to be included in this war. Some men don't have this problem.

Don't we have enough wars going on? Maybe this is what that scripture was talking about "there would be wars and rumours of wars". Please. When are we going to hear some healthy (i.e non-absolutist, non-judgemental) messages in our society, especially about sex?

Absolutist thinking

2009-01-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a 'shower epiphany'. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, you should either shower more often, or take longer showers. Be sure to let your mind wander rather than focus on scrubbing every grain of dirt out from between your toes, or obsessing about cleaning behind your ears.) It was a simple realization, but still kind of profound.

If you believe in sin, then you think in absolutist terms. (At least some of the time.)

Let me explain my line of reasoning. If you believe in sin, then you likely believe that you are a sinner. You likely believe that you need a savior to remove your sins. This is probably because you believe God is sinless, and if you sin (or have sinned) then you cannot dwell in God's presence, because God cannot tolerate sin or abide sin's presence (I'll have to find the scripture on that one. I'm not sure if it's biblical or book of Mormon stuff).

So if you believe in sin, and that God is sinless and cannot tolerate sin in the slightest, then either you're "in" or you're "out". Absolutist. There is no middle ground. You can't be a psuedo-sinner. You are or you aren't. That's why you believe in the need for a savior--to overcome the absolute of being sinful or having sins, to become absolutely sinless, and thus able dwell in God's presence. (I won't go into a discussion about "in God's presence" meaning in this life or the next.)

Hmmm. Makes sense to me. Maybe it's more Mormon-type philosophy I'm thinking of regarding God and sinlessness and how God and sin can't co-exist. But that's my background. What are your thoughts?

Feliz dia de los Reyes!

2009-01-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I haven't lived in Spain for more than 9 years (it will be 10 this July!) but I still remember this holiday. Today is "el dia de los Reyes" in Spain. In English it would be translated, "the day of the Kings" which I guess in other Christian terminology is Epiphany, or the day that the 3 kings were supposed to have arrived to visit the baby Jesus and deliver their gifts. (This is where the 12 days of Christmas comes from--after Christmas day, not the 12 days before it! But I digress.)

So, I kindof like holidays. This was a fun one in Spain. I saw a huge parade with dragons and all sorts of things, loud music, and this was typically the day when people exchanged presents. I was told that it was a bigger holiday (in regards to gift-giving) than even Christmas.

So-enjoy the holiday, what's left of it. Maybe my gift to you was that I finally started blogging again! :^)

Word of the Year

2009-01-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

Wow! Has it really been so long? October? Well, I had fun finishing up my writing class, and in December, putting in extra hours (to now total 40/week) at work.

Speaking of work, we had a work team meeting a few weeks back where we went off-site (which was nice just to get away; changes of scenery are important and necessary for me). We spent time digging through magazines and cutting out pictures and words so we each could create what is called (according to Christing Kane ) a "vision board". On this vision board are pictures, words, symbols (whatever!) that represent things I would like to do, accomplish, be, or have. It could be called a 'goal mural' or lots of other things.

Over New Year's break I started to assemble and sort my pictures further. I only had 8.5 x 11 inches of space, yet I had 3 or more square feet of stuff cut out. The space limitation was nice to force me to prioritize what are the things most important to me to be, do, accomplish, have this year. (Yes, that's more Christine Kane speak for those who are familiar with her work.) I slapped it together and in the middle is my "Word of the Year". Christine Kane advocates that rather than make a new year's resolution (which people often fail at or forget after a time period), to instead choose a word to focus on throughout the year. I like this approach.

My word for 2009 is: STRETCH!

My plan is to stretch my mind, my body, (as in exercise, or at least move and make my body stretch just a little bit!), my income earning capacitiy, my budget, my comfort zone, my writing abilities, etc!

I had originally been mulling over the word "complete" to remind myself that I am whole and without defect as-is, as well as to help me work on the 'get things finished' aspect of the word. But then somehow I thought of the word STRETCH, which is more inspiring and expansive. It allows, encourages, and nudges me to grow. And with a word like "Stretch" things don't have to be big deals. They can be little deals that allow me to strech my comfort zone, and grow in small ways that in time, lead to cumulative big things.

So I'm trying to stretch my body (did some yoga tonight [loved it!] which is on my vision board) and I am trying to write a little something every day. This may take forms as type-written stuff heading towards my memoir, short stories, articles for work e-newletters, blogging, or just hand-written journal writing. But I'm trying to engage in a little bit of that creative writing zone each day.

So we'll see when the next post pops up!

My thanks to Marcus Buckingham

2008-10-09T19:52:00.000-07:00

My boss loves Marcus Buckingham and his strengths focused research. I can't complain about it because my boss prompted me to listen to his audio CD "Now Discover your Strengths" (Donald O. Clifton co-wrote it with him) and paid for me to take the Strength's Finder profile. I struggled with the assessment until I learned how he designed it and how it was supposed to be measuring or capturing data.

My reaction to my results were a little mixed. I was shocked to learn that numero uno on my list was "strategic"! I had never considered myself a strategic thinker. After reading the description and pondering it a bit more, I had to agree. I just had never thought of myself using that terminology.

Something that was NOT a surprise was "communication" being a strength. I intrinsically knew this. Maybe because I finally saw it in black and white, I acted on the inner nudge to sign up to take my writing class. It's one of my strengths, so I realized it was time to develop it more.

So thanks Marcus! I absolutely love my writing class, and I'm meeting great people at the same time too! Knowing my strengths is wonderful. It helps me know how to articulate some of my "soft skills" that are truly valueable. I never knew quite how to phrase them. And I AM energized by working on developing my skills, rather than focusing on my weaknesses. Three cheers for Marcus, and many fortunate blessings to you!

Writing writing--anywhere?

2008-09-11T08:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging but I have been writing. I signed up for a writing class-because whether I write or not, I do identify myself as a writer. Since I signed up for the class, I have been writing more. And noticing more, too.

Here's a question for you. It was posed by one of my writing teachers in college, and I think it is an excellent and important question to ask, especially in a writing class.

When you begin to write, do you prefer to compose on paper or on the computer?

Whoa! This question really struck my interest. This was several years ago but I remember it vividly. I was one of a few people that preferred to write on paper (including the teacher). I'm not sure if this was age-related, because I was a few years older than many in the class. I think it is an interesting question because writing can (and does) take many different forms and mediums. So when I say I've been writing more, it does not equate to more blog postings (though in the future it might).

I prefer to write on paper. That tactile experience is often quite an emotional release and experience for me. Maybe not an emotional release, but the writing allows me to tap into my emotions better, and often sort out what I'm feeling. Typing on a computer is a lot less emotion-full. It does not provide me with the same level of satisfaction. This may not be someone else's experience. Power to you to discern. I know what I like, and I'm doing it!

So celebrate writing-whatever your preferred medium may be!

Commute commentary

2008-09-11T08:42:00.000-07:00

So maybe I'm trying to be more aware of the small things in life around me. On the commute home a few days ago I noticed something that made me laugh out loud.

There were 3 crows (or large black birds) on one of the tall light posts. As I watched them, the first one puffed up it's chest and shrugged it's shoulders up and down. Then the next on in line did it, then the third.

I started snickering because in my mind these 3 crows became teenage boys, each one puffing out his chest, squaring his shoulders trying to look big, impressive, and "cool". And of course they were playing follow the leader. One guy did it, so I need to, too. I still laugh thinking about it. Maybe it will bring a smile to you!

Random Kindness

2008-08-19T05:19:00.000-07:00

Last week while stuck in stop-and-go traffic on the way home from work I was slowly approaching an overpass. Because I was stopped, I looked up and noticed that two people were walking across the bridge, and one of them was waving to us pseudo-stranded beings below.

I had to smile! I tried waving back, but was too far away for them to see me. Oh well. It made my day and I was smiling the entire rest of the way home. I forgot that I was stationary in traffic and remembered that I am a human being, connected to those around me. I still smile thinking about this experience. What a simple act of kindness to remind us that every moment we can change our attitude to something positive.

"screw you!" to "how to nurture myself?"

2008-08-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

Letting go of a deeply patriarchal belief system and adjusting to marriage all at once was quite a delicate battle for me. Nope, delicate isn't the word. Only now has the "battle" aspect of it subsided and morphed into a kinder, more gentle reality.

As my spouse would often go do things that Spousie wanted to do, I often felt left behind and I didn't feel very strongly that I could go and do the things that I wanted to do. At times I would, but I felt I had to sport a sort of "screw you!" attitude towards my spouse in order to exert some particle of independence. It was a very defensive mode; I needed to be callous and uncaring to what my spouse might think. It didn't like having to cop that attitude. It just didn't feel natural or "work" for me, but that was all I could muster. And I didn't do it very often.

Recently I've realized my spouse knows what things Spousie likes to do (which don't always involve me) and Spousie does them. Spousie did consult me about it, and initially I wasn't too keen on it. But I've begun to perceive my situation with new eyes--I now a few evenings free for myself each week. The real revelation is that I have morphed from a "screw you" attitude towards my spouse, and begun to think "How do I want to nurture myself with this time that I now have?"

One Friday night I went to Barnes & Noble where I picked up some books that looked interesting and started reading. (I did a little people watching, too.) I came home rejuvenated! Spousie noticed and was happy for me. Sometimes I spend the night going to bed early after a long week. One of these days I'll get around to making some cards or pull out my pastels and do some artwork! Woo-hoo!

As I've reflected on this newly found time for self-nuturing, I realized the growth and evolution from my original self-defense mentality ("screw you") to one of self-empowerment and self-respect. It feels much more natural and "works" for me. My growing self-respect has also seemed to correlate with my spouse respecting me more too. I need to model how I want to be treated--with respect. The evolution has shifted from fearing external factors (thus the self-defensive stance), to taking internal responsibility. I am able to meet my own needs.

More on this later. There's more to discuss regarding this shift of perception. It's been a year of growth!

Happy Anniversary!!!

2008-08-12T19:05:00.000-07:00

It dawned on me during my Sunday morning walk that it has been about 1 year since I officially left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Time to celebrate some accomplishments:
1. I'm still alive!
2. I feel much more psychologically stable and am constantly happier (I let go of the 'not good enough' constant self talk)
3. I'm not bitter anymore either. I grew up as a Mormon. Sure it colored my experiences, but that was my life. It's history--no more, no less, no need to whine or cry about it anymore.
4. I'm beginning to create the life I want. And it is good!

To save a baby bird

2008-08-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago returning from a morning walk, my spouse and I noticed a baby robin hanging in one of the trees! It was hanging by some type of thread or wire which had caught on some branch near it's nest. The poor little thing was hanging by one leg upside down. I felt so bad for the little bird!

I wanted to do something. It was a windy day, and the poor thing was getting blown around. We looked around our apartment complex to try to find a ladder. All we found was a short one. I waited until the office opened and called them, still no luck. I tried some friends--they had some ladders, but no way to get them to our place. I really felt bad for the little bird and was almost getting panicky as the day wore on. We ended up dragging a picnic table over and stacking the small ladder we found on top of that. Some guys in the parking lot saw us and helped us out too.

We were able to cut the bird down, and had to detangle some type of thread off the bird's leg, which had already been wrapped around and was choking the leg. One of the guys that helped us said it was some type of thread from old carpet that had been taken out of the building and was thrown in the dumpster. :( We released the baby bird and set some water down near where we left it.

The cool thing is--the whole time momma and poppa bird were flying around, nearby, and bringing food to their stranded little upside-down hanging baby. They brought berries and other things. It was neat to see the dedication of these parents. They were also freaking out and chirping away at us as we tried to cut down their baby. After we released baby robin, one of the parents helped move baby to some deeper grass til it recouperated and the next day it was gone.

Baby robin might be a gimp for the rest of his/her life, or baby robin may have died a few days later from infection, a broken foot, or any other number of things. But I just couldn't let it die hanging in a tree! I had to do my little part.

O the drama of life!

Library Clutter

2008-07-09T17:20:00.000-07:00

This is an experience I had some months ago, but it's still something to watch out for. I was at the Library looking for books to help me (or motivate me) in my job hunt. I found one or two books I thought I would read, but piled another 4 or 5 books onto my pile thinking "It won't hurt to have them. I might read them."

Ah, I should have listened to myself! If I had misgivings before I even left the library that I wasn't likely to read them, I would have been wise to spare myself the extra weight to carry around. And I didn't read them. I read one which was tiny and a fast read, but basically they sat there reminding me that I hadn't listened to myself.

Listen to yourself--trust yourself! Only get what you are going to read. It's dead weight that is easy to prevent.

Milestones

2008-07-08T17:53:00.000-07:00

I haven't written for a while. That doesn't mean I haven't been learning and growing. I started an internship a month or two ago--that is what triggered the "Milestone". On the first day of my internship I met several other interns, talked and joked with them, and laughed a lot with my "boss". Nothing special. Or so it seems.

That night as I told my spouse about my first day at the internship, recounted the silly jokes I laughed at, and the people I met, I realized--I felt normal!

This may sound odd, but let me try to explain. As a Mormon, everytime I met someone new I went through a sort of filtering process in my mind "How do I relate to this person? Ok, they aren't LDS so I need to deal with them or approach them in this sort of way." (or try to have this kind of attitude toward them.) It was really subtle--and I guess I always noticed I did it but thought it was normal until I didn't have to act like someone I wasn't. I didn't have to control myself, second-guess myself, limit myself, or do, be, or behave in any other way other than by actually being myself! It was a realization of my own growth--a milestone. It was a fun experience and of course I built a natural rapport with the other interns.

Normal--what a milestone!

If you think it, they will come

2008-05-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

I just had to write that as a title. It's more for my own laugh. Last week I was at my computer with my patio doors (except for the screen) open to let the nice weather in and to be able to hear the birds (yay!)

Well, I mentioned before that a robin hopped around on my patio in the middle of a snow storm. This day a robin was having fun dancing around on my patio again, as well as some other type of bird that I haven't been able to identify yet. I had various birds waltzing around on the patio, and one flew right to the top of the patio door and began to sing. After a while it left that perch for a little bit. I wondered to myself "These birds seem pretty brash. I wonder if I left the screen door open, would they just fly right into my apartment?" Well, only a few moments later that little bird flew at the screen door and perched it's little feet on the screen door! If I had the screen door open, it would have flown right in!

I'm glad they feel comfortable here. I think that same bird is outside right now chirping and flitting around. Maybe he/she is annoyed because I have all my plants outside on the patio right now to get some sun. Maybe these extra plants are cramping this little bird's style. I also wonder if this little bird will be so brash when I am sitting out on that patio! It's fun to have birds so close. Growing up in the country my parents had a bird book and we would look up the different types of birds we saw. I wish I had that book now!

De-cluttering is not always calming

2008-05-05T15:37:00.000-07:00

I guess I encourage people to de-clutter. I say this because a friend recently emailed to tell me she had done some de-cluttering. YAY for her! (I recalled my bridal shower where friends reminded me of fun experiences we had shared. I would guess that over half of my friends mentioned something about me helping them de-clutter or because of a conversation they had de-cluttered or gone through their closet.) I love talking with people about this topic. This friend that emailed said that her efforts weren't the calm, feng shiu type of de-cluttering. I emailed back to encourage her to de-clutter when you've got the "bug" or urge to do it, and that in my experience de-cluttering isn't necessarily a calming action. De-cluttering tends to bring up a lot of issues. I can choose to let the item (and it's associated negative energies and/or memories) go, or I choose not to. Some things are harder to make a decision about when it comes to decision time.

Do I use it? No. Do I keep it? Yes. Should I keep it? WRONG question to ask! Should is not a nice word. It implies expectations. It often also shifts the responsibility of keeping the item to an external "other" that we are trying to please. Should I keep it? Should implies that you are trying to seek or are seeking the approval of some outside being (or someone or something other than yourself) to determine if YOU are going to be responsible for keeping that object.

So, there's a lot going on when you are de-cluttering. Issues are brought to the forefront of your mind again (both good and bad), you are faced with making a decision about the item(s) or post-poning the decision again, and then there is always disposal. De-cluttering is not what I would call calming, but I often am energized by de-cluttering. And I LOVE the feeling of a room when a lot of "guck" has been cleared out of it!

So, de -cluttering does not necessarily equal a calm experience, but I find that the end result is a more calm environment and feeling better! Happy de-cluttering!

Acting

2008-04-23T12:23:00.001-07:00

Evil HR Lady had a very funny post ( the one with the you tube video of "Charlie bit me" watch it again http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM). That short little clip reminds me of something that rubs me the wrong way about this society that we live in.

Everyone is an actor. The little boy saw that a camera was pointed at him--and he performed. He bit his (I assume) brother. And even worse--he smiled! He knew the camera was on him so he performed and smiled knowing that the world would laugh with him.

I feel like I don't know what it means to be me. I have been living a 'role' (that of good Mormon girl, or Good Mormon Daughter) my whole life. How I saw everything was based on the role. How I related to people. How I treated myself (not very kindly, mind you) was all based on 'performing' that role well.

Well, almost a year ago I quit that contract. I have gone through a major personal upheaval trying to figure out "who am I?!" because I never acted or made decisions based on my own desires. I still get caught up in 'role' thinking. It takes time to let go of that. And you don't necessarily let it go on it's own. You do need to replace certain thinking or ways of thinking with something else.

Letting go, of people

2008-04-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

I visited some professors of mine this last week and enjoyed staying in touch with them, and listening to their positive encouragement for my personal growth and professional development. It was very nice. But I also noticed, something always seems to strike a nerve--not in a bad way. But something tugs at my heart where I almost always tear up about something.

As I thought about this more, I realized that perhaps this tug at the heart is more deeply about loss. One of my professors passed away. I attended the funeral, the memorial service, and the lunch. But I still miss this person. I recieved approval and encouragment to live my dreams from this person. This person was also very influential in my choice to return to graduate school. I still miss this person.

I have never really had anyone close to me die. Yes, I've had grandparents pass away, but they lived far away and I didn't have a very close relationship to them. Here I find myself, stuck--still dealing with grief and loss every time I set foot back on campus, remembering this wonderful person.

It seems to compound the loss I feel about losing so many other people in my life as I stepped away from my religion. I have bumped into a few of these people on occasion, but it's not the same. I'm different and they are different. We don't share the same basic assumptions about life, so 'how do I act around you now?' seems to be the feeling I get from them as well as feel myself.

I don't have any advice about letting go of people of this sort. I have plenty about letting go of people that are clutter or negative influences in your life. But loss through death, or voluntarily leaving a community mind-set of people--I still struggle a bit on how to make peace with this.

the healing garden

2008-04-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

I started my 'flower garden' (i.e. the seeds) indoors not even two weeks ago. I have already transplanted the Comos because they grew too tall for the starter storage container so quickly. I now have two sweet pea plant that are banging their heads on the roof top of the starter kit. Wow! It is fun to see them grow.

I was just finishing reading "Tending the Earth, Mending the Spirit: The Healing Gifts of Gardening" by Connie Goldman and Richard Mahler as I began my flower garden. If you love gardening, I highly recommend this book. If you don't like gardening, but have suffered a loss or are going through a difficult time, I highly recommend this book. It doesn't focus on the how-to's of gardening, but rather the emotional healing, the spiritual connection people feel towards the earth and others as they create and tend to their gardens. Connie Goldman shares comments from gardeners from all over the country about how they feel while they garden, why they garden, the healing and help to endure/survive difficult times that has come through gardening in peoples lives.

I really liked it. And I do believe that many people are suffering in various ways (high stress, anger, disconnection and isolation) by a lack of connection with the earth and growing things. One day I became extremely upset over something a (distant) family member said. I was livid. I knew I needed to get out of the house and run to a store with a plant nursery. Let me tell you it helped. Granted, I did a lot of self talking, but just being around plants truly helps me to calm down. There is a large indoor garden in my city that I love to visit on occasion. It helps me to feel grounded.

As I feel like I have cut off friends from the past, and even a large portion of my family (by way of leaving the church) I realized-I need new friends--I need a garden! Check out this book from your library (that's where I found this) and see what you think. Let me know your thoughts. I would love to send a copy to Molly over at Green Hope Farms (see my link to her blog on the right of the screen). Molly is often writing about the connection people have with plants and flowers, and the incredible healing power of plants, flowers, and flower essences.

A new take on being unemployed--part 1

2008-04-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

The Career Encourager is on vacation this week. http://careerencouragement.typepad.com/the_career_encouragement_/2008/04/happy-friday.html Lucky her. I recall a sibling lamenting the problem with being unemployed is that you can't enjoy your leisure time because that is all you have. Now, my unemployed life is not all leisure time, but it reminds me of my spouse making the comment: "Enjoy it [being unemployed] while you can. Think of this as retirement, because once you start working, you'll be working for the rest of your life."

Good point. Others have also advised me to enjoy my "free time" now before it's gone. This has been fun to fantasize about. As I have cultivated the mindset of 'enjoying my retirement' right now, I've been thinking about the things that I've always wanted to do. It has allowed me a little space to determine what do I really want to do with my life?

Some things aren’t feasible (like vacationing and traveling around the world). But others are in my grasp, and now begun--like starting my flower garden. With this kind of mind-set, perhaps I can refocus my job search and find employment that allows me to make the contributions I want to make to the world and satisfies my life goals. This a great time to contemplate what life pursuits I really want to undertake.

A new take on being unemployed--part 2

2008-04-07T12:16:00.001-07:00

As I've been trying to determine how I want to enjoy my 'retirement' (i.e. being unemployed) right now, I realized that I have been resisting becoming clear on this. I cling to my excuses of the past-as a Mormon I never was allowed to think of what I wanted, my life was all about others. I now realize that this is just an excuse. This excuse perpetuates a 'victim' mentality AND provides the additional excuse or 'out' from responsibility. If I can't clearly state what I want to do, then it is ok for me to remain in this icky state of floundering and not take action (i.e. go nowhere). By stating what I want--I have to accept responsibility for doing something about it and moving forward. Or accept responsibility for not taking action and moving forward.

Hmmm. I recognize that I am resisting it. And now I know why. These lame excuses don't serve me any more. I am trying to let go of the 'victim' mentality. Yes, it's scary to take responsibility for my life, but I know I can handle it. Previously I believed that God could make something good out of any situation. But what if I now believe that I can make something good out of any of my life's situations? Think what exciting things I can accomplish! I could create my dream job or employment opportunity. Yes, on the flip side I could totally mess my life up (but what's the statistical probability of that? Not very high. And besides-in theory I've already done that!) I'm the type to look on the bright side of life. I find opportunity everywhere.

And what I love about decluttering is the space it opens up for CREATIVITY. So, now that I recognize why I'm resisting, I can declutter it out of my mind, create space, and create the life I always wanted. An early retirement and a job I love!

I made cookies

2008-04-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

Some time in the past week or so my spouse asked me to make cookies. I obliged. I used a favorite recipe but couldn't find the brown sugar. I was certain we had some but couldn't find it. So I looked online to figure out a substitute. After "tweaking" the recipe I found that when I mixed it all up it didn't stick together like cookie dough normally does. I recalled that one of the resources I consulted online mentioned to use something like 3 less tablespoons of liquid when using (whichever substitute that source mentioned). Well. My dough wasn't sticking and I didn't use any liquid in my recipe so I decided to add some. I added about 1 tablespoon of milk and mixed it up. It was working, so I added just a little bit more. Then I dumped in the swirled chips and went to work plopping them on the sheet and threw them in the oven. I was pretty pleased with myself for figuring out how to make it work despite all the minor set backs. I went to share my ingenuity with my spouse whose reaction was not at all what I expected. I was told you never add milk to cookies (mentally I thought--unless it's after they are cooked and when one is consuming them). So I ended up a bit discouraged. When I pulled the first sheet out of the oven they were pale. I think I baked them for a bit longer (more tweaking!) and they never really did get very brown.

But you know what? I realized a little bit later--I had made cookies! They might not have been the best batch (or the worst either!) but they were cookies. I had used what I had available and made cookies out of it--yay for me! If my spouse didn't want to eat that batch of cookies, I would. Because despite the odds, I did make cookies. That's what we all do in life--we take what we have available to us, and do what we can with it. We don't need to listen to other people's concerns or judgements (or expectations, for that matter) about what our lives should look like. We can all make cookies the best we can with the ingredients we are given. And everyone likes slightly different qualities in a cookie. (By the way, my spouse did eat the cookies, and realized I had done well given the circumstances.)

I found the brown sugar slightly before throwing the cookies in the oven--but it was too late then. No regrets, no looking back. I just made those cookies. And you know what? I'm smarter and wiser for the experience!

job hunter blues

2008-04-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I heard back from places where I have interviewed, and the responses were "we're proceeding with another candidate". It is always a blow to the self-esteem (especially if you aren't currently working). I may have mentioned I love reading some HR blogs and remembered some wise cousel I've read on the Career Encourager's website, including this posting
http://careerencouragement.typepad.com/the_career_encouragement_/2008/01/maybe-you-dont.html

I realized that I would not have been a good fit for the position, nor feel fulfilled in the work. I knew I would have gotten bored once I had mastered the necessary skills. I also remember's the Career Encourager's advice from this post
http://careerencouragement.typepad.com/the_career_encouragement_/2007/06/job_search_rule.html

so I emailed a brief, profressional thank you (it's nice to know for certain where you stand) and wished them good luck with their new candidate. Because I'm not bitter. It's just a bit dissapointing, even if I didn't want the position. Thank goodness I have my flowers to nurture me through this!

Simple Pleasures

2008-04-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

ok, so I went AWOL for a little while. In that time various things have happened (or haven't happened). The most important is that I started my flower seeds earlier this week. A mere 1 to 2 days later there are tiny sprouts shooting up from the dirt! I can't resist looking at them every time I walk by them. It is amazing and very heartening to see. Also, amidst a fairly heavy snow-fall, I saw a robin hopping on my deck, out of the wind and snow, taking a little breather. I actually suspect that the previous owners of this place had some bird-feeders and this robin was looking for some grub. I woke up April 2nd before my alarm clock rang, and heard birds singing. Ahhhh. These are the simple pleasures of life--for me at least!

Letting go of fear

2008-03-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well, the job hunt continues. There is a position that sounds really cool, I think would be exciting, challenging, etc, but I've been dragging my feet on applying to it. So I spent a few minutes journaling about it to see why I might be afraid to apply. While journaling I remembered a great post by the Evil HR Lady http://evilhrlady.blogspot.com/2008/02/what-is-worst-that-can-happen.html
It's quite a fascinating read. To abbreviate a long story (it really is worth the long read though!) a woman said she was scared to apply for jobs because she now has a 'criminal background'. Evil's advice was to point out: what is the worst case scenario if she applies to the postion? She doesn't get hired. Well, what's the worst that can happen if she doesn't apply for the position? The exact same thing--she doesn't get hired. Good point!

I realized I was living out my worst case scenario and thus shooting myself in the foot. I also happened upon Christine Kane's post about "What's Easy, What's Not" (http://christinekane.com/blog/whats-easy-whats-not/) I loved it. I realized "It's easy to print off a job description. It's not easy to apply for that position" (at least for me it isn't always easy).

But I realized I'm still worrying about perfection (an ever Christian obsession, I believe). Perfecting a cover letter or resume before I can apply. That perfection is leading to my living out my worst case scenario. So, I'm opting for imperfection and submitting an application. What's the worst thing that can happen? What I'm living right now! I've got nothing to lose and lots to gain! I'm letting go of perfection and fear. If I'm going to be afraid, I'd rather it be fear based on me trying something new and risking success! So, I'm off to finish tweaking that cover letter, apply, and then go out and have some fun to celebrate overcoming that fear! yay!

A guilt-free Easter

2008-03-23T16:52:00.000-07:00

A friend invited me to attend a worship session today. She knows I left my religion and has been supportive. But I haven't told her--I don't consider myself a Christian anymore. I read the book
Liberating the Gospels: Reading the Bible with Jewish Eyes by John Shelby Spong and his arguement is that the Gospels are a Hermenutic writing taking bits and pieces from the Old Testament and wrapping those stories and 'prophecies' around Jesus 'Christ'. I was learning about qualitative research methods and hermenutics in Graduate School shortly before I read this book. I found Spong's arguments very compelling, and it lifted a great burden from my mind too.

Jesus did NOT die and atone for my sins. Whew! What a relief. I don't have to feel guilty because I exist. It's pretty sick when your mere existence is the cause of another person's death/murder. You can never clear your conscious of that kind of guilt. I found Spong's book to be helpful in my process of letting go. I realized that everything else built on the gospels (i.e. churches, the Book of Mormon, etc) was basically bogus because the gospels AREN'T literal history. Understanding that, I was able to let go of a lot of things. There is still work to be done, but that dismantled layers of dogmatic beliefs. Happy letting go!

Mirror, mirror on the wall

2008-03-21T10:05:00.001-07:00

My goal for the next (at least) week is to actually look at myself (in the eyes) while brushing my teeth. Sound silly? Let me explain.

While a missionary overseas I remember a particular missionary companion who either helped me to realize what I'm about to share, or she shared some comment that drove this point home to me.

If I don't feel very good about myself, for whatever reason, I don't like to look at myself in the mirror. Sure, I can fix my hair, make up, etc, but I don't look at me. I avoid looking myself in the eyes. Any mirror anywhere, I don't make eye contact with myself. It's as if I can't stand the person I am, so I avoid having to look at or confront the reality of being unhappy with myself.

But there are moments in my life history where I have felt the complete opposite. I remember times where I sat on the sink ledge and brushed my teeth looking myself in the eyes and being completely happy with myself. The more I looked at me, the more I accepted myself as is.

So, I've noticed that I've been grabbing my toothbrush and started running to another room to try to take care of "one more thing". I've been stopping myself to take the time to confront myself and find the part of me that I have been disconnecting from and look myself in the eyes. I am starting to feel better about myself.

Don't believe me? Take the challenge: Give yourself one to two weeks of uninterrupted "me time" in front of the mirror as you brush your teeth. Look yourself in the eyes. Notice the natural beauty in you. It doesn't matter if you are old, young, wrinkley, etc. There is beauty in you. Take the time to look for it. Then accept it. Then feel it from the inside. YOU are awesome! Love yourself!

My purpose for this blog

2008-03-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

You'd think it would be about time I stated my purpose for this blog. It entails a little about me and my life experiences up to this point.

I was born and raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, aka LDS, aka Mormon, aka (probably a lot of other things). I believed in it. I lived the best I could according to what I believed to be 'true'. I even served as a full time missionary over seas for the church. Was married in the temple, and then resigned my membership with said church about 9 months ago.

Church teachings (of any church) and philosophy completely colors and covers the canvas of a person's life experience. It provides a lens of how to perceive everything. That can be a good and comforting thing. It can also cause claustrophobia, encourage you to stay small, play it safe, and not really live the life of your dreams. In other words, it can be pretty damaging as well.

This blog is an opportunity for me to process my life journey and this transition that has taken place. I'd like to share how a person can go from being a TBM (true believing mormon) to someone who doesn't believe in a theistic god-being. It really is quite the transformation. I know that there are several people out there choosing to leave their religion. It is scary. It is frightening. You truly are stepping out into the unknown--this takes REAL faith! I invite you to join with me on my journey. As you may have noticed from other posts, de-cluttering is my thing. I will blog about decluttering physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual baggage. There truly is FAR too much mental, emotional, and especially spiritual baggage in this world. Join with me as I strive to continually--let it go!

My beginings of letting go--physical clutter

2008-03-12T10:50:00.000-07:00

I may have bad/sad news for you: Letting go of clutter is not something that is ever completed, done, checked off, in a never-have-to-worry-about-this-again state. It is a process, possibly a practice or a habit one can develop.

When I got "Clear your clutter with Feng Shui" by Karen Kingston, I devoured it. But I had time to do that (or rather, I made the time to do it. Yes, it was more compelling than homework. C'mon! This applied to real-life!) I have tossed/gotten rid of/donated probably over 1000 lbs of stuff by now. (I haven't kept track of all the weight) but I do know that I dumped between 500-600 pounds of stuff within the first 3-4 months of having that book. Please note that I didn't toss everything out all at once. It really is an unfolding process. Here's a few examples of how it happened for me.
Let me set the stage first. I had moved into my own apartment (hallelujah!) more than a year prior. Most of my stuff was still in boxes lining the walls of my rooms in the same exact place they were set down when I moved in.

One night I was kneeling in my bedroom, about to say a prayer before hopping into bed. I looked at all the papers and junk lined up against the wall, and my eyes settled on a piece of paper--it was an old 'love note' from a former/ex-boyfriend. (One who had married by this point in time!) I picked it up and thought "Why am I holding on to this? Am I scared that no one else will love me ever again?" And I realized that that was exactly why I was holding on to it--to remind myself that someone loved me once, and to validate that I was loveable. After realizing this, I TOSSED IT! I knew (deep down) that I was loveable, and that somewhere out there I would find someone to love and who loved me. It was a relief to toss that paper and the emotional baggage associated with it.
The next day I read something in "Clear your clutter with Feng Shui" that basically confirmed my actions. We hold onto things out of fear, needing validation, reminding ourselves of something. It was nice to have that confirmation after I had already come to the conclusion myself.

I can recall moments when it dawned on me that certain large items (furniture pieces) in my apartment needed to go. But it was a slow unfolding process. Kingston mentioned that if you can't get rid of something right away, to at least try to move it to a higher place (to increase it's energy level). I started by placing all the papers and boxes in my bedroom into one pile (on top of a box). Then I eventually moved it out to the living room. I wanted my bedroom to be my Sanctuary. It became that. I noticed it when I started doing my homework in my bedroom on the floor--just because it felt so good in there.

That realization motivated me to begin to work on the boxes and piles in the living room. It took a while. But I will always love that apartment because I turned it into a Sanctuary and a haven. It was such a peaceful comforting place for me. Now I need to work on that process for this new apartment.

My beginings of letting go--forgiveness

2008-03-12T10:08:00.000-07:00

Slightly before entering graduate school I heard my mom talk about Flylady. (check out her website at www.flylady.net/ ) I heard a lot about it. The zones, babysteps, the shiny sink, and more. It was interesting. I think I checked it out online. But when I went home to visit--as I hugged my mom I saw over her shoulder --WOW! an empty kitchen counter! (I had never seen that before.) When I spotted that, "Flylady!" popped into my mind. Then I had to run around the house checking out the 'transformation'. It was truly astounding. And mom felt so good about it.
Maybe that is when I checked it out online. I debated about waiting to start decluttering until I started school, but I began doing a few things. I did note however a book that just called to me on her book favorite's page. "Clear your clutter with Feng Shui" by Karen Kingston. I finally ordered it about a month or so into the semester. I knew I wanted it, needed it. I felt confident it was not an impulse buy because I kept thinking about it for weeks.

I dumped a boyfriend right before starting school. He was engaged to someone else within a month. As I struggled to adjust to grad school, feel like I was enough, tried to complete assignments that felt overwhelming, etc., hearing that he was engaged was just too much! I dumped him, and had zero interest in him, but it still hurt. One day I woke up and remembered a lesson from a human relationships/communications class I had taken previously. The main jist--forgiveness releases me from negative energy. I realized I needed to forgive this guy, and ask forgiveness for my bad feelings towards him. (In hindsight this seems like a very Mormon take on "forgiveness," more later). I actually saw him that day, and had the guts to do this. Of course he said he forgave me too. As I walked away the world was brighter and my shoulders were lighter. I went home happy, and what had arrived in the mail that very day? My copy of "Clear your clutter with Feng Shui". It felt like a confirmation from the universe that letting go of him, and any feelings/strings/attachments etc was the right thing to do, it was safe, and I was on my way forward. (upward and onward!)

learning something new

2008-03-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

I just figured out how to add a list of my favorite blogs on here. I saw that my friend Molly over at Green Hope Farm has a new post. I'll have to go check it out. Let me put in a free plug for her and her workers--I have used Green Hope Farm flower essences and I LOVE them! I love how she makes them, in harmony with the angels and the elementals. I even love that she doesn't use alcohol as the base for her tincture's and the story behind it. I am so on her side and am trying to do some gardening on my patio hand in hand with the angels too. Not that I have any experience with this, but I'm spreading my wings and learning LOTs of new things!

These flower essences have also helped a lot in letting go of emotional clutter and so much clutter on a very subtle and different level. I support her in her mission of healing and sharing a very non-invasive, and NON-TOXIC way to help so many others heal. Blessings to you Molly!

two things

2008-03-10T15:43:00.000-07:00

Ok I admit it. I am basically addicted to Christine Kane's blog. I've begun reading her archived material from her earliest work forward in order. (of course I follow other leads and jump around, too.) One of her posts mentioned that you should never have more than 2 items on your "to do" list.
I remembered that today. I got my taxes done (finally!) and did the laundry. Count them, one, two. Done! yay! I've also done a bunch of other things, but I tried to stay focused on the big "one-two" and made sure they were done. Simple, not necessarily easy (I have been getting side-tracked a lot lately!), but definitely accomplishable. And it's a great feeling!
One of these days I'll have to write the purpose of this blog. Some day that will be one item of the new one-two punch!

Just say No

2008-03-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I turned down another job (it would have been an actual offer). But I rate my experience, education and time at more than $13/hour. I also know that a call center environment would not be good for me. So, by saying no, I said YES to myself again. No, I will not work for less than I think I am worth, and I will not subject myself to insanity. I will say yes to career satisfaction, sanity, and the ability to repay my student loans. In the meantime, I was able to learn more about myself, behavioral interviews, and a great company .

Letting go of career options clears clutter, and causes anxiety

2008-03-05T12:58:00.000-08:00

Well, I am job hunting right now. I have just said no to two different positions. It has been a little scary, and for one position I feel a few pangs of regret. But I know that I don't want to work the hours needed for success in that field. So while it's scary to say "no" to a position, I am being honest with myself and trying to open myself up to what I do want to do. Unfortunately, I still feel a little bit stuck in the phase of being able to only define what I don't want to do rather than be able to state clearly what I do want to do.

I realized that some of the anxiety from saying to no what I don't want to do is still tied into past ways of thinking--that every decision has life-and-death consequences. It doesn't.

I have discovered Christine Kane's website and I absolutely love it! Once I know how to link to it I will. I recently read one of her posts http://christinekane.com/blog/theres-no-wrong-wall/
It was so helpful and expertly articulated what I am learning--choices and decisions aren't life and death and full of immediate results. We learn and grow and keep moving and learning and growing. I just need to remind myself--as I let go of what I don't want, I make more room for the beautiful wonderful things I do want. Even the beautiful and wonderful things that I don't even know that I want right now. It is okay and safe for me to say no and not accept a position that I wouldn't be happy in. I am learning to be true to myself, and that is the greatest gift I can offer the world.

I let go of 5 to 10 pounds more!

2008-03-02T11:51:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I recently moved. I went through a lot of mission, church, etc stuff and tried to toss it before I had to move it as well. WELL, I am still sorting through and trying to put things away and I came across another 5-10 lbs of Mormon memorabilia that I easily tossed. A small stack of old Ensign's--mostly the conference edititons. Also a few posters of the Relief Society motto, a picture of Jesus, one of Joseph Smith's first vision, and one of the San Diego temple. That gave me slight pause, but I ultimately tossed it. (If I'm not going to hang it anywhere, why keep it?)

I left the church at least six months ago. I spent 30+ years growing up in it. It will take time to let go of all of it, or as much of it as I want to. Some things I am not yet ready to let go of, some things I may never let go of (I'm talking physical objects/possesions here). When I am ready, I will let them go.

I have let go a LOT of mental and emotional clutter associated with being a member of that church. There is still a lot (LOT) more to let go of. But now I truly do believe in mercy, kindness, and forgiveness. And I mean forgiveness that doesn't involve all the "steps" and shame and humilitation and self-degradation that I felt I had to go through to make up for some cosmic blunder/sin/mess.

That has been one of the most liberating things--not beliving in "sin" anymore. I can make a mistake and it isn't called sin. Crimeny, I don't even really have to call it a mistake. It's just an experience I learn from. That's all. My mind is much more at peace and I feel much more accepting of what is rather than base my life on expectations and what ought to be. Expectations just lead to dissapointment and bad feelings. I let it go.

Happy March Day!

2008-03-01T05:53:00.000-08:00

Happy March Day to you! For those of you who don't know of this historic holiday, I created it one year in high school after forgetting to use my Valentine's day cards. Ever resourceful, I came up with a way to still use the cards, with out all the romantic emphasis. I took my Valentine's Day cards and penned out any time the word "Valentine" appeared. The cards morphed from saying: Will you be my Valentine? into Will you be my (written above the scratched out "valentine") Happy March Day pal? And instead of Happy Valentine's Day, it became Happy Happy March Day (yes, two happys).

Well, my friends and family were amused and it caught on, for a few years at least. The following years my friends returned the favor and we had a blast exchanging these warped Valentines-now-turned-Happy March Day cards with one another!
Ahh, memories. I think I'll call up some of those friends and family to wish them a Happy March Day!

and welcome to my blog.