It's that time of year . . . (part 2)

I love fall. There are so many things I love about it (as listed in my previous post). There also is a downside to it, too, though.


It's also that time of year when . . .

-allergies to some unknown something cause me MAJOR congestion. (I've had this for a month or so now.)

-the temperature changes (fluctuating wildly at times) and we often have a period of rain. This also causes changes in sinus pressure, and usually results in some period of throbbing ear pain and sore throat for me. Thus, I typically get sick for a period in the fall as my body adjusts to the temperature fluctuations and rain.


For as much discomfort (and sometimes illness) that fall causes me, I still love it! It will always be my favorite season.

It's that time of year . . . (part 1)

I LOVE Fall. It's one of the most gorgeous times of the year. There are so many wonderful things about it.

It's that time of year when . . .

- you can really ENJOY curling up under the covers, snuggled up in your bed. In spring/summer, you don't really need covers, and in winter, you stay under the covers out of necessity. But in the fall, you can just lie there and enjoy it!

-leaves change color, litter the ground, make delightful crunchy and swishy noises as you whisk your feet through them.

-you start to wear sweaters. The weather is milder (maybe) and a good comfy sweater is all you need. (Plus pants of course!)

-the sky is just more gorgeous. The contrast between the clouds and the sky just seem more vivid and delightful. The sunrises and sunsets are also mesmerizing.

From Seeing Red to Green

I use my Outlook calendar at work to stay organized. If there is a report or request due, I place it on my calendar and label it in red. Once I've submitted the report, I change it to white. In this manner, if I see a lot of red, I know there are reports to be run, compiled, and forwarded up the chain. The first of the month is particularly busy, with between 7-9 reports due (at least) every first workday of the month. This week, I saw an awful lot of red, every single day.

What a nice blessing to come home, see my beautiful yard, and right now I'm sitting on the deck, looking over our lush green lawn, scanning the maple tree (that recently littered her helicopters all over the lawn and deck) and enjoying the sound of the birds.

I saw a lot of red this week at work, and I did my best not to stress over it. I knew it would all get done in time, and it did. I know from experience that I didn't need to fret about it. So I didn't. I just got one report done, and then another. And now I'm home and enjoy seeing green, rather than red.

The Link between Action and Trust

When it came time to think about choosing my word for the year, the first word that resonated with me was TRUST. There were a lot of unknowns in my life at the time. My spouse's job was in the air, financial worry crept in, and I wanted to TRUST that everything would work out OK.


I ultimately decided on a different word though. My historical experiences/connotations with TRUST were often more anxiety-ridden, feeling that "I need to TRUST that Heavenly Father will take care of me and things will work out." But that sort of mentality about TRUST was not one of genuine TRUST. It was fear masquerading as bravado and trust that an outside source would take care of me. It was not the peaceful, deeply rooted, knowing in my being that things really would work out. (At least that is not how I typically experienced it, though my lip service may have lead others to believe otherwise.)


Instead, I chose the word ACTION, because I wanted to focus on what I can do, and what I can control. Oddly enough, it's taught me a lot about TRUST.


For example, Tuesday I felt the urge to start delving into Kundalini yoga, which is the type that my yoga studio is really big on. I had a strong desire to attend the Tuesday night class, which was early enough after work that I wouldn't have time for dinner, and I worried that by the time it was over I might be ravenous.


But I went! I put aside my fears and TRUSTED my gut and my inner desires. And that TRUST lead to my ACTION. I attended the class and it was great! I felt energized, I felt great, and I slept extremely well that night.


I'm glad I chose the word I did. And I'm glad I'm learning how intricately connected ACTION is to TRUST. As I learn to TRUST myself, my desires, this will lead to ACTIONS that I will be proud of and pleased with.

Hope Springs Spring!

All winter long I've carried the hope in my heart that the crocus bulbs I planted last fall would bloom this spring. The major effects of winter (huge snow piles) melted away, and I never saw my flowers :( I thought crocuses were supposed to be the first spring flowers that peek up through the snow. Well. We had a random bout of 2 more inches of snow this weekend, and today I saw purple blossoms springing out of the terrain where I planted them! Hooray! Of course, I proudly took photos of them. When I came inside I happened to look at my Vision Board. I squealed as I noticed that I now have the purple crocuses that I had cut out and put on my vision board. p.s. I've also already seen mosquitoes, so Spring really is on its way!

Action

I picked a word for the year: Action.

If you know me, I'm not the kind of mad, driven, always moving, always working on something kind of person. I actually like to take time to think, rest, reflect, and notice the beauty in nature and around me (AND, get things done).

So why the word Action?

My vision of the word is to help me take the SMALL, day-to-day, simple actions that lead to larger results. I don't have to be driven to accomplish. If I do small daily actions, I will accomplish big things.

Wee, whee, wii, I want to go home!

(Title from "This little piggy went to market")

We always seem to buy toys much earlier than Christmas. I'm ok with that. Over a month ago we bought a Nintendo Wii (the special Red edition that includes a copy of Mario Bros.) and a Wii Fitness Plus balance board and program. And of coures the extra doohickies that you need to make it all work, and some games.

Boy, is this thing fun. I'm wishing for snow days to stay home and play. The Wii Fitness Plus program is pretty great. It tracks the different exercises you do, how long you spend on it, it can measure your BMI and weight (if you choose to do that daily test). It really does make 'working out' fun.

Also, I am starting to get hooked on Mario Kart. I'm not very good at it, but it IS fun. I even think Santa might have gotten us some Mario Kart Wii Steering Wheels, but I'm not sure. I can't quite see any presents that look that shape. Maybe it's hidden in one of those larger packages . . .

Wrapping nostalgia

Sunday afternoon I spent some time wrapping presents. As someone with a family background of serious wrapping techniques, it was a bit disconcerting that I only had two different rolls of wrapping paper to choose from, and I was getting low on Scotch tape. But even harder, which I recall from last year, is wrapping presents on a wood floor with static cling problems, compounded by the fact that I haven't swept the hair or dust up in several weeks. Oh well. Happy wrapping!

My family tradition is wrapping presents to completely disguise them. I guess my mom got sick of us kids feeling the presents and guessing that "this feels like a watch with a pencil tucked in to throw me off" and being right about it. This lead to some very special and/or elaborate wrapping sessions. We would plot and ploy how to disguise something so no one would be able to guess what it was. We sometimes had to save boxes (from cereal, crackers, whatever) for months ahead. (Or maybe my memory gets ahead of me. It only seemed that way with all our plotting.) It definitely makes it more fun to watch someone open a present when they have no idea what it is.

I enjoy those memories, and still try to carry on the tradition. Only surprises when opening presents from me! Just don't mind the hair or two that got caught in the tape as I wrapped it on my wood floor. :)

More lessons from October

I realized that the very same day I let go of a voice mail message, and the associated emotional baggage from 3 years earlier, I also went out and bought a pack of crocus bulbs. I love how crocus flowers look, and that they are among the first to blossom even popping through the traces of melting snow come Springtime. I took time to plant these crocus bulbs, setting an intention for growth, healing, and a wonderful surprise of blossoms in the Spring. I still think of them, now covered in a few feet of snow.

Whether or not these crocus bulbs bloom (though of course I hope they DO!) they are still a touchstone or hopeful thought for me. I can look outside, and know that even now, something wonderful is sitting beneath the surface, waiting to be released. I've always got something good to look forward to!

Lessons from October

Yes, this post is months later, but I want to share about an extremely valuable lesson I learned in October. I've wanted to write about this, and Molly's blog post of December 5th rings this lesson even more loudly into my heart.

Molly shared in her blog post that her brother died this past July. This was the brother that had somehow threatened her family, and instigated them completely cutting themselves off from the rest of her family.

Boy does this echo familiarly in my heart. In early October, one Saturday after my yoga class, I came home and checked the caller ID on the phone. I saw the number of a friend, and went to listen to see if there was a message.

My friend had not left a message, but I heard the start of a message that had been saved and saved and resaved. I skipped it as soon as I started to hear it, because whenever I started to hear this particular message, my anger and temper would rise. I listened to old messages and cleaned out the list. I thought about my 'skipped' message, and realized we had saved it through two or three moves, and about 3+ years.

Thanks to yoga, I was feeling calm and centered, and I decided to face this message (demon) and confront it, rather than hide and get mad every time I heard it.

The message was from my aunt. It had to be shortly after I announced that I had left the LDS Church, because I remember the call I had with my aunt that day so many years ago. She was telling me what love really is (and she thought how my spouse treated me was not love). I remember feeling SOOO angry that I was shaking and hung up on her, and then yelled "Fuck you [name]!" because I couldn't say it to her over the phone. (If it were now a days, I'd have the confidence to tell her that personally.) I was just so fed up with everyone telling me what my life SHOULD be like.

Well, she called back, and of course I did NOT answer. Her voicemail is the one that I saved. All that I originally recalled is that she threatened my spouse's life. This is why my family does not know where I live. You don't take death threats as a joke. (I'm sure Molly can relate to that.)

As I listened to the voicemail that October morning, from a calm, centered place, I finally heard what she said. She was concerned. I heard her say that she was afraid for me and her family. She accused my spouse of not being normal, and if spousie ever hurt anyone in her family, then, well then she made her threat.

What I saw this as was a very weak, fearful woman, lashing out and trying to act tough and protect herself in the only way she could--by making threats. I finally realized how powerless she must have felt. I thought about this, and I chose to let it go. I finally heard her message, and I chose to let it go.

I stepped outside and went to find a tree to hug. Trees are very grounding (I've used Molly's "Grounding" flower essence, which has lots of tree essences in it). I went and stood next to our walnut tree and wrapped my arms around it. I hugged it and asked for it to help ground me, to help me let go of the negative emotions and to just let go of this bad experience. As I stood there embracing my beloved walnut tree, I realized I had selected the perfect tree for the task! Our walnut tree was the only tree to already have shed all of its leaves. It truly was my teacher and helper in "letting go" of unneeded and unneccesary baggage. It was time.

I felt a huge weight lift from me.

Granted, I still feel estranged from my family, and I feel bad that my aunt, in her well meaning attempt, was the catalyst that pushed us away from each other. Her actions out of fear probably hurt her sister (my mom) more than it did to help her feel any better or stronger.I still have high hopes for healing the rift with my family.

The next morning, after letting go of this traumatic experience, I instinctively or unconsciously began to clear out my office. I believe I had created space in my mental, emotional and spiritual planes, now I began to work on my physical plane.

October was a great month for letting go. Thank goodness for October! It was definitely a celebratory time of letting go!

The Season of Snow is upon us!

Earlier this week we had day with highs temperatures of 67 and 68 degrees Farenheit. Overnight, we switched to the Season of Snow. Spousie & I both had Veteran's day off, and we collected the last of the leaves and filled only 3 large compostable bags full (as compared to the 12 or so we used to fill each weekend in October). I knew it was going to be the last time to dispose of leaves this season.

I was actually looking forward to the snow. There was nothing on the ground (or falling from the sky) when I went to bed last night, and I woke up delighted to find several inches of snow on the ground. A veritable 'Winter Wonderland'. There was also snow and ice on the trees, too, breaking branches, and toppling some trees entirely (fortunately we only lost branches, not whole trees).

We pulled out the snow thrower and the shovel and I had fun. Yes, it was cold, and no, I don't like it when my toes are cold, but I am happy to have begun the Season of Snow! Welcome!

Good Reading & Flowers

I am dragging my feet closer to placing a much needed order for flower essences, via
http:www.greenhopeessences.com/index.html

For a fabulous article that proved so insightful to me and for understanding myself on my own journey of healing and making sense of my life–go to that website. On the menu on the left select "Articles" then scroll down and select "On being an Empath" (second from the bottom).

It's a bit long, but on my first read I was completely sucked into it because I finally felt like someone understood me!

Understanding and coming to appreciate my empathic gift I have also learned how to protect myself from unwitting others nearby with messed up emotions that I don't want to absorb or take on. Molly's flower essences have been AMAZING and extremely helpful in this. I'm going to order more Golden Armour, Teasel, and Ladies Bedstraw. (The last one helps me to sleep much better than I do on my own sometimes).

Check out Molly's blog (as I call it) over on the right side of my page. She writes from her own experience and reality, which is a reality that I share far more closely than I do with almost anything I see on TV or in the movies. Her down-to-earth personability and wit keep me checking her blog regularly. As do her phenomenal pictures of the flowers!

Make it a wonderful day, and stop to say hi to the flowers (don't just smell them)!

A Trip to the Zoo

Spousie & I went on a date to the Zoo last night. We were planning on leaving when we realized we hadn't seen the bear exhibit yet. We were close to it, so we headed to visit the bears before going home.


Two of the three bears were tussling. Not in a ferocious way, but one had the other pinned down, and it seemed reminicent of my brothers squabbling as I grew up.


I would love to see the hip joint of a bear. Any time I watch bears I am fascinated by how wide their back legs can rotate around. They might have a ball and socket joint like a humans, but a much wider range of motion. Think of all the funky yoga poses I could do with flexible hips like that.


Then again, I probably wouldn't be able to walk upright either!

I did the Fish pose today!

I started attending yoga classes a few months ago. It's something I've been interested in trying for a long time, and finally took the plunge once I found a Yoga studio nearby. I have really enjoyed it.

I usually attend twice a week, one Yin Yoga class, and a Hatha Yoga class. I like them both. This morning I went to the Hatha class, and we worked our way up to Fish pose. I had read about it in Yoga Journal, and was a bit, hmm. Well, I wasn't sure how it would work out for me. (I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it.)

Yet I did it! I had the help of my instructor, as a spotter, and I did it! AND, I am interested in trying it again.

12 year Anniversary & Yay Spain!

I watched the FIFA World Cup matches today, and was cheering for Spain (and Germany. Of course I'm happy with the outcomes).

I thought about why I was cheering Spain-because I lived in Spain for a year and a half, and love the Spainsh people. Oddly enough, I realized that today is my 12 year anniversary of returning from my Mission in Spain back to the United States.


Man, has a lot happened. Boy, have I changed and grown so much. Wow, is my life so different, and also, so much better.

Tip toe through the Maples

We've had more rain this year than in the previous year or two (since being in our house) and as a result, we have a new problem:


My lawn is now a rainforest of mini maple trees.


I kid you not. I cannot walk to the back shed without counting at least 15 maple saplings in the grass.

The concept of "Reforestation" takes on new meaning when you have 5-6 maple saplings growing out of a crack of your wooden deck.

Spousie wanted to replant the trees, didn't like it when I would just pull them up. Spousie is now over it. We're going to try to save a few that have grown the most and are the strongest, and hopefully the rest will dry out with the weather.

Just be careful as you "Tip toe, through the Maples!"

Happy Graduation Days!

On this day, June 4, several years ago I graduated from High School. I spoke at our graduation ceremony. I spoke from my heart, but there is one thing I wanted to say and didn't.


"Don't be an Ethan Frome*. The world is so much bigger than [the city we graduated from]. Go out, explore and see it."


I've been very blessed to have done that. I've visited other countries, been able to travel to all corners of the United States, and really see a lot of variety. And I love it!


I remember the chant we repeated so often our senior year of high school. It simply was the year of our graduation. I remember at the end of Graduation Day feeling a bit scared, uncertain. This year that I had been chanting about, the event that I had been anticipating had come and gone. Now what was I supposed to do?


I wasn't quite certain, but I was filled with expectations: attending college, going on a mission, getting married, starting a family. All of these were big scary intimidating things.


Now, more than a decade later, my life is very different. I don't have a list of expectations for myself. The world is wide open for me to explore, and that is what I'm doing. I'm gardening, taking yoga classes, as well as learning TV filming and production. At some point, I hope to add sewing and more to my mix of learning and exploration.


At this point in time I've got a wide open sea, and my own personal star(s) to sail by. I trust myself much more these days. I know I'll get to where I want to be, and where I want to be and what I want to accomplish will be of my own choosing, not something others expect of me.


Happy sailing! Good luck new Graduates! May you learn to trust yourself.



*Ethan Frome was a book we had to read in English; I hated the ending.

Touching History

Today I attended an event for women veterans. I myself do not belong in this category, but I wanted to learn more about the women veterans in my state. It was so neat to see women of all ages, who had served in probably all the different branches of the military.

I joined a group of ladies and got talking with them. They were all Marines. One was a Marine veteran from World War II. I will admit my ignorance that I had no idea that there were women Marines during that time period. I had heard of WASP's, or Women Air Service Pilots, but I guess I was (and still am) pretty clueless to the role women have played in the military throughout our nation's history. It is something I want to learn more about, and today I got to reach out and touch a bit of that history, by talking with those women. It was fascinating to me.

I won a door prize at the event–a necklace. I felt a bit awkward–I think the person who donated it thought it would go to a veteran. I wondered if I should give it to a woman veteran. I made my peace with the issue and realized I will keep it, because every time I wear it, I will think of our country's women veterans, and their amazing legacy that hopefully will come to light someday.

I don't believe in God, but here's a sentiment I agree with: 'God bless our women veterans!'

The silver mist that follows me

On one of my last few days at my last job, I took a half day off. I got my hair cut, and then went to the Audi dealership and bought a car.

I needed a NEW 'do and a NEW car to start my NEW job and NEW outlook on life.

And let me confess: I LOVE MY AUDI!

While trying to learn a lot of new things at work and feeling my head spin, every time I get into my car I feel a Zen moment. It's quite. It rides (and glides) so smoothly. I have seat warmers (Heaven!) The seats are comfortable. And another thing I love--

The silver mist that follows me!

The headlights on this baby are so much more powerful than my last car I keep feeling that I've got my high beams on. When I drive at night I always see a silver or grey mist up ahead, and I kept forgetting that, omigosh! It's my lights! I LOVE it! I'm not scared that I will run over any late night pedestrians or dog walkers in my neighborhood anymore.

So, go check it out, and prepare to drool! www.audiusa.com

Upsetting the Apple Cart

I gave my supervisor notice that I accepted a new position and will start March 15. I gave her almost 3 weeks of lead time. I am in the process of training a replacement. And I am SOOO glad to be getting out!

The company I work for definetely has some plusses, like a fairly laid back company cluture. On the flip side, this is also a serious drawback. Some people spend time surfing the web or reading. As a part-time employee in one of the busiest departments, I usually will just notice this as I walk by. Also, there are some very negative co-workers. I don't work with them directly, but as a highly sensitive person, I still feel the effects of their negativity. I'll mention "office politics" and that says enough. On weeks when I have worked full time, I am very emotionally exhausted at the end of the week. So, I have been covertly (during my non-work hours) seeking a new position, which will start soon.

It seems that once I gave my notice and this became public knowledge in the office, the whole work environment became even more unbearable! I've heard of employees becoming petty, and the toxic nature just seems to bubble more frequently to the surface.

I wondered if it was just in my mind--thinking tha because soon I won't have to tolerate this crazy environment for much longer, that my perception has changed. But I think I've come to see it a new way.

I'm upsetting the apple cart.

There has been really low (as in NO) turnover in this company. I read HR blogs and know that low turnover can say a few things about this company. And I'll say them. It screams "We've got great benefits!" It also says (between the lines) "We're nice and we hate to let people go, even under-performers and people who suck at their job."

I'm all to keenly aware of this after almost two years. I am probably the first person to have chosen to move on from this company. But I know I can do more, make more, contribute more and in more meaningful ways to me (and commute less!) and not have to suffer the energetic drain from this environment any longer.

So perhaps, by taking this unprecedented action, by upsetting the apple cart and moving forward with my life, it's causing the others around me to think and reflect a bit more on their own lives and positions. Maybe they are sick of working here and feel stuck too. Maybe they are beginning to think--'there's more for me out somewehere else." I truly hope so. There are some really awesome employees there, that get treated like trash.

I've got one more week to train, then pass the baton and move on. And let me say, that despite all the chaos and crazy of the last few weeks, I have not burt my bridges. My supervisor told me that if things don't work out at my new place, she would welcome me back with open arms. She also expressed her appreciation of me training my replacement.

Those are great words to hear. I truly HAVE appreciated working there and learned a lot of things. But it's time for me to move on and learn new things.