Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Lessons from October

Yes, this post is months later, but I want to share about an extremely valuable lesson I learned in October. I've wanted to write about this, and Molly's blog post of December 5th rings this lesson even more loudly into my heart.

Molly shared in her blog post that her brother died this past July. This was the brother that had somehow threatened her family, and instigated them completely cutting themselves off from the rest of her family.

Boy does this echo familiarly in my heart. In early October, one Saturday after my yoga class, I came home and checked the caller ID on the phone. I saw the number of a friend, and went to listen to see if there was a message.

My friend had not left a message, but I heard the start of a message that had been saved and saved and resaved. I skipped it as soon as I started to hear it, because whenever I started to hear this particular message, my anger and temper would rise. I listened to old messages and cleaned out the list. I thought about my 'skipped' message, and realized we had saved it through two or three moves, and about 3+ years.

Thanks to yoga, I was feeling calm and centered, and I decided to face this message (demon) and confront it, rather than hide and get mad every time I heard it.

The message was from my aunt. It had to be shortly after I announced that I had left the LDS Church, because I remember the call I had with my aunt that day so many years ago. She was telling me what love really is (and she thought how my spouse treated me was not love). I remember feeling SOOO angry that I was shaking and hung up on her, and then yelled "Fuck you [name]!" because I couldn't say it to her over the phone. (If it were now a days, I'd have the confidence to tell her that personally.) I was just so fed up with everyone telling me what my life SHOULD be like.

Well, she called back, and of course I did NOT answer. Her voicemail is the one that I saved. All that I originally recalled is that she threatened my spouse's life. This is why my family does not know where I live. You don't take death threats as a joke. (I'm sure Molly can relate to that.)

As I listened to the voicemail that October morning, from a calm, centered place, I finally heard what she said. She was concerned. I heard her say that she was afraid for me and her family. She accused my spouse of not being normal, and if spousie ever hurt anyone in her family, then, well then she made her threat.

What I saw this as was a very weak, fearful woman, lashing out and trying to act tough and protect herself in the only way she could--by making threats. I finally realized how powerless she must have felt. I thought about this, and I chose to let it go. I finally heard her message, and I chose to let it go.

I stepped outside and went to find a tree to hug. Trees are very grounding (I've used Molly's "Grounding" flower essence, which has lots of tree essences in it). I went and stood next to our walnut tree and wrapped my arms around it. I hugged it and asked for it to help ground me, to help me let go of the negative emotions and to just let go of this bad experience. As I stood there embracing my beloved walnut tree, I realized I had selected the perfect tree for the task! Our walnut tree was the only tree to already have shed all of its leaves. It truly was my teacher and helper in "letting go" of unneeded and unneccesary baggage. It was time.

I felt a huge weight lift from me.

Granted, I still feel estranged from my family, and I feel bad that my aunt, in her well meaning attempt, was the catalyst that pushed us away from each other. Her actions out of fear probably hurt her sister (my mom) more than it did to help her feel any better or stronger.I still have high hopes for healing the rift with my family.

The next morning, after letting go of this traumatic experience, I instinctively or unconsciously began to clear out my office. I believe I had created space in my mental, emotional and spiritual planes, now I began to work on my physical plane.

October was a great month for letting go. Thank goodness for October! It was definitely a celebratory time of letting go!

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